Compartmentalization

Yes, what a word right? It’s really a lot of points on a crabble board! In a moment I’ll explain what this means.

A few weeks ago I looked at my wardrobe and it really started to annoy me that I have so many different styles in my closet, that just don’t seem to match and there wasn’t much of good quality in there either (but that’s a bit for later). My way of expressing myself has been through what I wear even from a very young age. I guess that I didn’t feel free or safe to express myself in any other way and so I became preoccupied with it.

Even when I was going to school for the first time I spend ages in the dressing up area. To the point that they made me do an extra year of tinkering because I didn’t had an interest in learning how to read or write. Who needs that? Btw, I just thought my stupidity was the reason why they made me do another year.. see here a borderline mind already in the making.

Now here comes the term compartmentalization which is: a subconscious psychological defense mechanism used to avoid cognitive dissonance, or the mental discomfort and anxiety caused by a person having conflicting values, cognitions, emotions, beliefs, etc. within temselves.

In other words my sense of self, my sense of identity is so disrupted and chaotic that it is completely shattered into pieces. Because deviding something complex and chaotic makes it easier for the mind to understand, which feels more safe. That’s why people are prown to judging and labeling everything.

So what I have inside are shattered pieces and parts of my identity. This is not the same as having multiple personalities in one body. That’s something else. However it can seem a bit the same to others.

The parts that play the biggest roles in my life right now are: the part of the hurt child. Being into little space is a way to reconnect with that part of me. Also: the part that we know from last summer. Being a very hypersexual slutty part of me. I also see this in my closet. There is also a part of me that has been overshadowing everything underneath for years. Very dark, depressive, negative, protective of other more vunerable parts. After my first group therapy I’ve slowly grown out of that darkness and it literally brightened up my wardrobe as well.

I think those are the biggest sections that I’ve been switching between, of course there could be more but I’m not going into detail on parts that are less present.

I’ve just realized that what I am doing with my wardrobe lately reflects the way I am trying to heal myself from being so broken into pieces. For some time now I don’t feel like going into little space as deep as before and I’m not being as extremely slutty as before. It’s less intense, because I still stay connected with myself as a whole eventhough I express one part of myself. Not like before when I used to break off into pieces and only be aware of one side of me, while repressing other parts.

It’s interesting that I’m getting closer to being a whole person, feeling a whole sense of who I am. Here comes some pagan stuff but I am still 27 now for about almost a month. 2 and 7 together makes 9 which is the number of completion, ending a cycle or phase.. When I’m 28 a new cycle starts, 2 and 8 makes 10, 0 doesn’t exist in numberology so I’ll be back at 1, starting a new period in my life. Of course this isn’t happening precisely on my birthday but around this time.

Maybe what I’m doing with my wardrobe says something about the changes. I was going through my clothes because the weather changed and I thought: I don’t want it to be summer. Summer is chaotic and make me feel light and disconnected. My needs are feeling safe, grounded, close to myself, like how I feel in autumn. So that’s what I went looking for in my closet. Autumn colors and everything that’s comforting and grounding me when I wear it. So I sectioned those and started to wear those pieces when I needed to feel a bit of autumn.

During the time I started to explore actually wearing this autumn feeling, I rediscovered some vintage designer clothing stores in the city and bought some good quality pieces. With grounding earthy colors that match with everything. Back then I wasn’t even aware of the reason why I chose these items, but they all had something warm, feminine and comforting. These stores are really awesome because this way it’s not too expensive, it’s better for the environment and I’ll be taking good care of those pieces because I want them to last long.

Later I’ve been going through my closet again to look for clothes that I really don’t wear anymore and also clothes that I find really beautiful but they just don’t fit me right so I still never wear them. My colleague at work she’s just starting her own project of organizing a clothing exchange store. So I will bring my clothes there and maybe change them for something new or I just give them to her. It feels good that I can help her. However, I’m still keeping my little girl vibe clothes and those slutty bimbo outfits because I know that those parts of me will still be a part of me in the future.

That was the whole psychological story to what’s inside my closet.. I don’t think other people often think about such things, lol! Or actually, I never found other people who think in this same way.

I hope that these changes and this chaos will settle, that it won’t be a phase. It would be great to finally bring those broken pieces together, although I don’t want to force it and have bigger problems later.

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