Yesterday wasn’t such a good day, although work helps sometimes I kept feeling depressed deep inside. The kind of depression in borderline is often similar to agitated depression, but it comes up in shorter episodes instead of the depression that you might have heared about that lasts for longer periods at a time. With agitated I mean that I’m very easily irritated, annoyed by people in general. Also I was thinking about the meaning of my life. The bigger questions.. What is it that I am doing that makes my life meaningful. This in combined with feeling depressed wasn’t the greatest combination.. So of course my mind went like: you are almost 28 and still working as a check out girl in a bio food store.. Maybe it’s because I’ve got my birthday coming up. It’s on the 19th of July. And I’m working with 16 to 18 year olds, which fucks with my head sometimes.
Something that made me feel like loser even more was that I had a conversation with a biology teacher from highschool. He does grocery shopping at the store where I am working. He was my twin sisters teacher, they always had a good connection and sometimes we talk about her and highschool when he does groceries when I am working. When we were talking about my twinnie he told me that she was the best of her class. That when something happened in her life she could just park it, put it aside for a while and do her schoolwork. She has a really good job, going past both our parents. She’s the only woman at the office that has this job and she’s often challenged for being a young woman working in this field. Also we spoke about the fact that she was already with her partner, 10 years ago but always had girl friends fall in love with her as well so she would end up with two relationships at a time and that seemed to work for them until the girl wanted to be number one. This happend at least 2 or 3 times in a row.
My twin sister was always faster with things than me. In school, with work, friendships, lasting relationships and already as a kid she was so fast witted and verbally strong that I was no match to her in any way. Maybe it’s a relieve to hear from a teacher that even he was no match to her even when she was in highschool. She just wrapped everyone around her finger because underneath of all this she’s a really loving and caring person and I think all that makes her very attractive, the fact that she has always been a flirtatious girl probably does help as well. She actually knows how to be social in social situations. Like chit chatting that people do, I don’t know how to do that for example. I’m too socially awkward and don’t even know how to be around other people, so I’m always the odd one out.
So I’m at work being confronted with depression, emptiness and feeling a bit similar to having a broken heart as a teenager. That’s a bit what it feels like. That broken heart feeling. Confronted with internalized shame about feeling less than my twinsister. Because everyone always compares twins, I grew up comparing myself to my twinsister all the time and I still do that. That doesn’t mean that I am not extremely proud of her. I love her very much. However I feel like such a loser compared to her.
It’s in these things like.. when someone asks what my sister does for work and in life people respond like: wow, what a carreer at her age! And with me it’s like.. you’re still working as a checkout girl? At your age? For only 12 hours? I always get the question if I study as well or if I have another job.
And I’m thinking sometimes, if I didn’t have borderline.. would I then be able to get somewhere in life? Where would I be now if I didn’t have borderline? Sometimes I even pretend that I don’t have borderline until I believe it and I end up completely wrecking what I worked on so far and myself. Then I end up on the couch at my sisters’place because I’m having some crisis.
Also, I’m not having that extreme borderline behavior of repeating disfunctional coping skills all the time. I’m not continiously in crisis after crisis anymore. And I’m thinking, what now? But that’s something for my next writing.