Lately it’s becoming difficult for me to stay in one place. I’m here physically but I’m not present nor am I available. Not sure what it is. The summer has started though. Maybe there have been triggers. It’s just that I find myself feeling very disconnected, it’s like there is nothing inside of me. Maybe I feel but I’m not aware of it. Something like feeling bored, tired and indecisive because if I don’t know what I’m feeling then how can I make a decision about anything at all?
My mind is getting more occupied with things that don’t matter at all. I thought I felt inspired, enjoyed dressing up again. They say clothes make the man. So I just dress up and pretend that I know who I am but seriously I’m fucking clueless. Most things that I did before, I do now mainly because I have to. Like taking care of my plants and cleaning the house, I don’t enjoy it as much. I go to my appointments but I’m sitting there hearing myself talk as if I’m not having a conversation but as if I am just listening.
More and more I’m living inside my own mind, although I do try to get out. I guess I seem bored, uninterested, lazy and careless to others. I’m easily irritated inside and only distance myself more that way.
I’ve noticed at first that I thought I felt better, more inspired as if I was coming alive inside. But that didn’t last long and now I’m trying to hold on to a bit of that inspiration but end up all in my head all over again. Although I try to feel inspired and do something, it doesn’t work. I get stuck on the internet and just hang around with my phone in my hands over and over again. Sometimes I try to start a conversation but I don’t know about what, maybe that’s a bit like depression. You feel dead inside so there’s nothing left to talk about.
Now I notice this but still I don’t know what to do about it. Perhaps somethings keeping me inside my dream world. I guess that there was a time where I used to feel safer this way but it’s not helping me anymore.
Sometimes I want to go do things but then when I can do something I dont want to do anything. I can feel like I don’t have a life.. – Now I’m at a fuck it, I don’t make sense, whats the point in writing. It’s not like I can do anything right at the moment. If I can’t make sense out of it how can anyone else. I’m tired of trying to explain things while actually I don’t have a fucking clue.