Calm, clear, collected

The core of my last blogpost has everything to do with feeling unable to accept the changes in myself and my life.. Perhaps I’ve been scared of change.. actually I’ve been afraid of my own inspiration, which is a sad thing to admit. Last year I thought I felt that same creative flow and it became something unhealthy, guess that it wasn’t pure inspiration after all. That’s something I don’t want to happen again. When I felt inspired, I’ve felt worried about wether this new inspiration would lead to something good or if it will turn sour again in the end.

When I observe the changes in myself I could say that I feel like getting closer to myself. Sometimes I even feel like I know who I am. On the other hand that thought scares me because I could be so wrong again. Let’s just say, I feel a sense of who I am at the moment.. here and now, who knows who I will be in the future. I’ve got to accept the fact that I’m ever changing and exploring. A bit like artists do too. My past work wasn’t so good and how could it be if it’s not coming from my authentic self. Meanwhile I’ll just try to be creative with the inspiration that I’ve got now, without letting it kill the other parts of me.. which to me really is the biggest challenge.

Last year I’ve created from a place of restlessness. What will happen when I create from a place of calm and clear collectiveness? I’ve found some techniques online about how to come back to this calm, clear and collective state of mine which could be called the authentic self. Practicing this when I feel horrible might not be so easy to begin with, so I guess it’s better to try it out when I feel inspired, instead of running away from creative impulses I’d rather just observe to find out if this impulse comes from my authentic self or not.

We’ll see what happens then.

I’m a bit sick and tired of feeling confused and unable to live my life because of all the internal chaos :/

Meanwhile, I’m making a new playlist, music is a fun place to start.

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