Weight of the world

Since about three of four weeks ago I started to feel a constant level of stress. It’s a bit of a hidden undertone I feel deep inside. The times when I’m feeling disconnected from myself and everyone around me are increasing. At times it is easier to be alone because at least then I do not feel so aware of this sense of aloneness amongst others.

Usually I’m spending my time doing chores at home, which I do by myself and it’s never ending which irritates me a lot. Because it is the only thing I feel that I have control over right now, it is becoming a compulsion. If I don’t tidy up my home then I just feel so incredibly horrible, I just can’t stand it. So then I do the chores anyway while feeling so upset and angry. It makes me want to scream and break things. Or I feel this apathy and feel like it doesn’t matter anymore, I’m not going to do anything about anything, I don’t want to care about rotting into my own dirt and mess. I’m so tired I often think about lying down and let the mess become a real mess and beyond.. but annoyingly enough I can’t stand that and so it seems that I do care.

The stress makes me very easily triggered, which usually causes me to seek isolation, trying to keep control over the rage I feel inside. Often I feel very frustrated. Frustrated because I have to explain myself so often, it’s not easy to live amongst people who are wired so differently. Sometimes I want to stop explaining myself and just give up trying to endlessly work on that bridge between me and others. Also, I’m always the one who sees things differently, again my reality is questioned over and over and it makes me wonder, who knows what is real anyway. Why would the truth of others be more real than mine?

Some place I know isn’t real is where I’m spending a lot of time lately, which is my own dream world. I’m living in my own mind more and more and I feel a sense of grief because I know that it’s a fantasy world. It is a fantasy world because my dreams lie so far away from reality. A place and time where I’m relieved from this stress and frustration.

Sometimes I feel like I’m being lived and that I don’t have a lead role in my own life anymore. That yet again I’m being that ultimate outsider everywhere I go, even when I’m at home.

Yet again I feel this uncertainty about my identity. Sometimes I think that I have a sense of who I am but then it slips away. The things that used to make me happy, I don’t feel them anymore now. For example: I haven’t been able to go into little space for weeks. Or any kind of submissive mindset. Something I used to be so passionate about and believe me I do try but it’s just not something you can make happen by force. And maybe that’s alright, I don’t know. Maybe I just change so fast and often? I’m just losing interest and energy to do things. Taking care of my plants is something I must do to keep them alive but I am not feeling it and so they aren’t triving like they should. Neither am I.

Another super frustrating thing is that I have difficulties with breathing for about a week or so. Sometimes it’s alright and normal but often I have this physical impulse to yawn but I can’t finish, so it sort of turns into a sigh. This keeps repeating itself over and over for a while which is increadibly frustrating because it feels horrible to have your muscles tighten up to yawn but there’s no relieve. I simply cannot breathe to my stomach when that happens, which usually helps to calm myself down. And it’s weird to yawn so often on any moment of the day. Especially at work, it’s super annoying. It makes me want to cry and scream yet again from frustration because there’s no relieve.

I’ve tried to do something new like baking and it worked for a little while. Often I am at home, I don’t feel like meeting people, going to the gym or go outside because I feel drained most of the time. Work is alright though, sometimes it’s easy to be at work and just focus on the job. When I’m back home I’m tired because how I am at work often isn’t how I’m feeling in general but when I come home I see all these things that I should compulsively do in order to feel okay at home. So I get frustrated because I’m really so dead inside already. Even when I try to lie down and ignore those chores I keep on feeling like I have to do them so I won’t have peace until I’ve done them. And after everything finally is alright at home I feel completely depleated and won’t do anything. I become aware of how closed and distant I’ve become and it feels like a weight on my shoulders, that I am such a bad and selfish person, who’s constantly stressed, triggered, frustrated, tired and distant.. with all the moodswings and communication errors that come with it. What a joy..

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