Jezus what a fucking horrible day! And it’s not even afternoon yet. Actually I was a bit through with writing.. my last writing was written on tuesday but today I saw it wasn’t published So I just posted it this today..
Anyway, this morning Daddy went away for the weekend. I planned some things to do. But I feel horrible and everything seems to go against me.
I planned to go to a CoDA meeting, that’s like twice a week and today is the only meeting that’s not falling together with my work scedual. But it’s like at least an hour, preferably longer to get there.
Been waiting for this meeting since last weekend.. It would be like, my first CoDA meeting ever. And I feel like I’m so in need of it because seriously Daddy is gone for like an hour and I’m feeling so fucked up.
I don’t feel a connection, I don’t feel in contact with myself. I’m not looking like myself either. Got that horrible feeling in my chest that I can’t describe.. Just wearing my shield again to sort of get through the day. That took some time from my chill morning. Then also my home is falling apart and it’s starting to bother me because the woman that I rent from used to be my best friend.. at least that’s what I thought. I never have intimate friends but when I thought I had.. that just was big fucking bullshit and now I don’t let anyone close except my Daddy.. I don’t even want it any different anymore anyway.. But anyway, this so called best friend never does anything for me to help me when somethings broken, she just lies to me and tells me that it’s fixed right before I moved in.. then the professionals are finally called and they tell me it’s just all very old and nothing is done to the place since the 70’s.. yay! But she just keeps making the rent higher.. at some point soon I’ll be through and move the fuck out of this place. Eventhough I love how I’ve made it my home and safe place. I can do that again… somewhere else. ‘Cause this is giving me a hell of a lot stress.
So then I was in hurry painting my face, ‘cause that’s what I do when I’m trying to cope.. Then I wanted to wear my favorite pants because they make me feel alright, but those were still in the dryer. So I put them on damp, but then the fabric wasn’t warm yet and my pants were longer than usual so I had to put on different shoes that I never wear anymore so I was looking for them all over the place and in the process I broke my nail like in a very painfull way, with blood and all… When I found my shoes it was really late and raining a lot and I was already to late for that fucking meeting that gave me even more stress only just trying to get there. I walked outside, it was cold and raining and depressing so I turned around thinking, FUCK THIS SHIT! All that stress and my broken nail is just all for fucking nothing ‘cause I’m too late already. And I don’t want to be late on my first meeting, bringing my horrible energy with me and meeting people for the first time when I’m clearly not in contact with myself so that will be fucking bullshit!
Really could have used that meeting since I’m counting the time that I have to be alone simply cause I cannot stand to be away from my Daddy. How sick is that? Thank you BPD! All I want to do is be alone now.. so here I’m sitting all dressed up in my apartment, it’s pathetic.
I know all the things that I could do to feel better but it feels really pointless and like it’s probably not going to work or make me feel better. Don’t want to do anything because of that depressive feel and again, I don’t have energy and I don’t feel hungry anymore.. so it’s not weird that I was like a bag of bones most of my life.
Luckely I will get the results of my SCID test next thursday. Also more than 3 weeks to go until our cat Miltos is here. Damn why does everything take so long? I want everything now So here we are.. this is that feeling that I had which lead to last spring and summer and I recognised this feeling again today, thinking.. I’ve spend years in this whatever the outcome.. Sex, drugs, anorexia, porn, roaming outside homeless and whoring.. whatever.. Numbing pain with pain right? I don’t know what I would’ve done after the meeting anyway.. spending money in Amsterdam? Meeting people to drink with? I don’t know but codependency is that like being addicted to someone else to feel alright? But I’m not an addict cause people aren’t substances right? So why do I always try to commit suicide after every relationship I’ve had? Getting closer every time. I’m so fucked up inside. ‘Cause actually bonding brings all kinds of fears, which make me want to be alone forever because I’m scared.. But I get sick when I’m alone too long.. I lose myself. Like I said:
Usually when I try to cope with this I become a fucking ice queen.. losing my softness. Until I’m just some cold empty shell, who hates people.. who can’t stand being in contact with other human beings.. just being a fucking dumb and shallow phony slut.. Like I said, it’s pathetic.. The longer it goes on the less I care. Until I do all the things that I’ll regret later when I snap out of it but that can take up to months. After a while I don’t even want to go back to feeling anymore, or I’m not sure how to go back.. it’s just a rollercoaster until I crash.
I’m so pissed I missed that meeting.. Today is just a total fuck up, like me.. Just got to sit this one out then. Trying hard not to do anything stupid.