Triggers

The last few days have been challenging sometimes. Especially Friday and yesterday. Daddy and I did work out a few times last week. It was difficult for me to learn the positions. Somehow I felt triggered and I still don’t really know what lead to the irritation and emotional outburst that the triggers lead to. Probably several triggeres just adding up until I’m in that borderline mindset. Feeling irritated, overstimulated and really snappy. Of course Daddy has done everything, all is his fault… He did everything wrong. And then after that it turns around and I have done everything wrong, I’m a horrible person, I can’t do anything wright, I’m a failure.. all the voices are pushing me down again. It feels like this will always happen and I fall into a self-fullfilling prohecy if I’m not carefull. And all the unhelpfull (lets just say destructive) thoughts and impulses are bombarding me and I’m just trying to keep it all together so I don’t do anything stupid that I’ll regret later.

Also when I’m like this I get triggered sooo easily. A glance that’s the wrong way. Voices changing in tone. Body language changing.. Often it’s those little things that other people aren’t even aware of. Or it’s just how I percieve people, so it could easily all be in my own head. Which means that I cannot trust my own instinct any longer. Which is a scary place to be in.

Usually afterwards I feel really drained, I’m tired. Often I feel empty. I don’t feel anything until I’m becoming really depressed and it can take a really long time for me to come back to a healthy mindset. And all this time I can get triggered again. Also I don’t feel a connection with Daddy whatsoever when I’m out of contact with feelings. I’m like an empty shell.

The difficulty is that I can explain everything quite well when I’m writing.. that’s probably why I write so much here. Because in normal day to day interactions and especially when I’m triggered.. I really do not know what to say. How to act, how to be.. What I’m feeling or how to explain what I’m feeling. Or how to figure out what I need, I often have no clue. So I can’t explain what others can do for me to help. So that makes it really frustrating for everyone.

I’m just trying to find out what the triggers were so I can be more mindfull about them and try to make sense out of what is real before I get into that unhealthy mindset.

When I’m in there.. I’m just trying to ride the wave. Don’t do anything destructive.. Don’t run away. Trying to sense contact with myself, so I can figure out what I need. When I feel a connection with Daddy I’m going to him giving him my love and say that I’m sorry. So that’s really this pushing away, being irrational and then coming back almost clingy, don’t leave me now. Eugh, probably so difficult to deal with at times :/

At least now I know that the destructive stuff doesn’t work. So I’m trying to chill a bit and get comfortable. Yesterday I tried something new.. doing a workout to get back into my body instead of being trapped in my mind and drowing in emotions. It helped a bit 🙂 I didn’t go like into extremes because it was supposed to be a resting day.

What I also do is go chill with a hot drink. Taking care of my plants. Cleaning the appartment. Writing a new blog post.. Going outside is something I do with Daddy too but maybe not a good idea when I’m feeling down and alone because I got really impulsive a few times when I tried that. But maybe going outside to run or work out. That could help 🙂 Singing, dressing up and watching a movie can feel good in the beginning but often I’ll start to feel more emotional, detached or depressed afterwards.

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