Good morning :)

We were in the gym around 9:00 this morning! It was still quiet, which was really great. Otherwise we would’ve done a workout at home. I’m glad we both don’t like crowded places. That’s also why we didn’t do anything special during Kingsday. Actually I think my mood was lower in general yesterday because I really have horrible memories of my previous Kingsday ‘adventures’.

This time I didn’t got triggered though! I wasn’t feeling irritated. It was easier for me to concentrate although some exercises were still challenging, eventually I got them right! Yay! It takes some time also to find out what my current strenght is and find the right balance. Not too light, not too heavy.. 🙂 I want to improve my mental and physical health.. not bulk up muscles as fast as I can and turn into a little blonde gorilla..

Something that might have helped with my mental state is that Daddy and I have switched to drinking decaf coffee. Daddy came up with that 🙂 Last week I started to drink my coffee black and now we’re also cutting back on the cafeïne! Actually I already feel like this is way better for me, first of all I drink less coffee since I quit adding milk and now I also don’t feel that restlessness anymore. Cafeïne also makes me dissociate more. I wonder what the long term effects will be 😀

At least what has changed so far by changing my lifestyle is that I naturally wake up earlier, often around 8, and go to bed earlier as well. In general I’ve got more energy. I’m more in contact with my body and can feel my heels touch the ground. My body feels slightly stronger and I’m feeling tighter in my skin, literally and emotionally. Let’s just say I’m more grounded 🙂 I’m eating more and also my body tells me now that I’m hungry, which is new. My mood feels lighter..

I’m probably getting heavier physically over time though,, but I don’t want to weigh myself. I’ve never ever been heavier than 110lbs, in my entire life and it scares me to get heavier than that since the eating disorder past. So I’m still letting Daddy decide most of my diet. While I just keep doing the chores at home. Which I just did for today 😀

I’ve been asked to work out with other people in the past as well btw. Partners who said it would be good for me. But I just didn’t trust them enough to actually go train with them. Because working out has been such an issue for me for a long time. I knew that I’d be triggered a lot and I didn’t feel like we’d be able to make it through and get something positive out of it. Guess they were focusing more on how it would change my body and not what it would do for my mind, wanting to drill me and give me that gorilla vibe that I just really couldn’t relate to. Although with Daddy it’s still challenging sometimes to manage the triggers, when we connect with ourselves and each other we understand and make it through. Maybe it’s good that we both been to hell and back? ❤

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