The Fall

This time it’s mostly yesterday’s down fall and this morning is all about hair care.. whoohoo..

Yesterday I wrote about that restlessness and obsessive thoughts before I went to work. Had to hurry to the store because I was late and for the third time in the last 2 weeks I was late. While riding to the store I was thinking, how is this happening so often lately. And I think it’s because I’m so restless in my mind and got all these things that I have to do, NOW.. because it feels like I have to do these things in order to get some peace of mind. But I think that there will always be something else coming up and that restlessness doesn’t become less when I’m in a hurry all the time.

Then what happened was that at work it was soooo quiet! Like, extremely quiet. So I was rushing the last few days and then I had to slow down because there just wasn’t anything for me to do, the time went by so very slow. It was almost maddening so I had to calm my ass down or it would drive me crazy. Then there were a few really stupid clients. Becoming angry at me for things that I couldn’t do anything about.. which is usually the case when you’re a checkout girl. You’ve always done it.. Btw, it’s no difference when you’re a sexworker.. When something comes up you are always to blame or treated like a ‘cheap as whore’ who deserves no respect. Eventhough you’re a high class escort.. Doesn’t matter.

Anyway, after work I was feeling really depressed, irritable and didn’t feel like doing anything. Daddy had been training so we couldn’t go out to do a workout together. Although I had done some workout in the morning I would’ve loved to do more. For today Daddy told me to relax and don’t do too much because my muscles need to rest sometimes too. But I was feeling down anyway and really disconnected. I couldn’t chill in little space although I tried. Whatever we did, I just had to sit this one out.. a bit alone too because I didn’t feel connected with Daddy either.

This morning was better. Daddy has the morning shift so I’m alone. I did all the chores instead of working out. However I did find something to do.

Next week I’m going to get my hair cut again, because I got split ends. I told Daddy and he said he’d like me to grow out my hair. Which I totally agree too 🙂 I still need to get rid of the split ends though. My hair is naturally blond and often that comes with having really fragile and thin hair.. When I was a kid my hair was really white and super thick. I couldn’t put my hair behind my ears. But then I was going into puberty and the hormones got to it. So it thinned out. Also during that time I had really huge identity issues and dyed my hair again and again. At this point I don’t want to change my hair colour at all because natural blonde hair is quite rare. So why change it. However I would like to grow my hair out but so far it always breaks when I’m just past shoulder length.

One thing that hopefully will make my hair less fragile is that at this point I’m not smoking, almost never drinking and not doing drugs at all. I’m not on meds and I’ve changed my lifestyle quite a bit lately. Drinking more water, eating more and exercising. So that could change the situation a bit.

Also, this morning I’ve tried something I wanted to do for years but just never did it. Instead of working out I decided to put henna in my hair for blonde hair. It doesn’t add colour to my hair. It’s not a hairdye. It’s a powder paste made from plants. Which I love because I don’t believe that chemicals can make my hair healthier, that’s just bullshit. First I tried the henna on a little piece of my hair, it didn’t add colour so that’s great 🙂

Last night I added oils to my hair before bed, because I knew I would was it today anyway. Then this morning I washed it with henna shampoo, which is great because it says that I can wash my hair with it as often as I want since there’s no chemicals in it. And that’s really good because thin blonde hair starts to look horrible after a few days and it has to be washed again.

Baby made whole big mess of the bathroom 😛 While listening to Nirvana 🙂 But it went well. I’ve added some Aveda conditioner to the paste to make it easier to work with. I actually did read describtion on the package and all that. Aveda is also plant based, I had it lying around cause a sugar daddy had given it to me last summer. When I was done I cleaned the whole bathroom 😛

I’m really curious about the result! What the product promises is that henna brightens up the hair, making it come alive. This henna doesn’t add colour (althought there are also darker shades that do add color). It strengthens fragile hair and helps avoiding split ends. It’s not damaging the hair because it’s all natural. Each time you use henna again the hair will get stronger and the colors will pop out more and more. Sounds promising right?

Hopefully I can let my hair grow out and make myself and Daddy happy with the results. At least I had fun trying this out, it was easier then I thought. Also because henna doesn’t add colour it doesn’t have to be perfect, which makes everything less stressfull.

This afternoon I’m going to help at the bird shelter again for 4 hours. Between 13:00 and 17:00. Hope that it will be fun. Some people there are really fun and I consider them friends. But they don’t really seem to understand that I have good days and bad days. One of them said it’s good that I work during the afternoon but 2 years ago I had a couple of days that I couldn’t make it. That kind of pissed me off, I know they are right but you know, because I seem alright most of the time doesn’t mean I don’t have a warzone in my head. There’s a reason why I don’t have a normal work week and get back into therapy etc. Thought that they would understand those things better since they work mostly with volunteers.. eugh.. I’m doing this to get better, I’m doing this for the birds.. Zennn…

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