Explosive

Right before Daddy was leaving to bring the kids back home he answered a question of mine.. the answer, to me, was highly triggering. It had nothing to do with me, it had nothing to do with our relationship but my emotional response to this trigger was most irrational. It fired me up instantly. It goes so extremely fast, like in a split second I’m overflown with emotion, which immediately turns to intense anger because this emotion is the easiest to deal with. It’s difficult for me to figure out which feelings lie underneath because it goes so fast. I can’t even process what’s happening.

All I could do was make clear that I didn’t want to talk about the subject, I didn’t want to hear another word about it because I was afraid of exploding and then I went straight to the balcony to be alone, get some air and pull myself together. I’m glad that the kids were in the other room, even though that was still horrible. I really don’t want them to see me when I’m having a borderline episode. On friday they saw a bit of that when I had a rollercoaster in my mind because I went over my limit and had done too much on one day. I’ve ended up in an unhealthy mindset, trying to not let it show but at times still firing up, eventhough I don’t want to be that way. It’s just pain coming out I guess.

Although it was scary for me to feel so fired up again, I think it went well because I said what I needed (ending the conversation), I went to the balcony to not bother anyone with my sensitivity and to calm down. When I pulled myself together a bit I said goodbye, I had a short conversation with Daddy about feeling triggered and then I went outside, yet again to be alone.. With 10 bucks in my pocket I went to the store to buy something silly that would make me happy. I didn’t have a shopping spree, not like when I’m being impulsive and going too far. That’s something else. This is what I should do instead when I feel the need for something new to make me feel good. I think I should get something like a little piggy bank again so I can save some coins for when I’m having a moment.. maybe that helps against those impulsive shopping sprees.. Hm.. Good idea.

When the trigger hit me, ‘cause that’s the emotional sensation there.. it hits, it knocks me out and stings in my chest, I can hardly breathe and my stomach turns. It’s so intense and so quick that my response is almost immediate. Yesterday I watched a video about triggers and that this almost non existent moment between the trigger and the response is where I can put coping skills. I guess that I remember that?

It’s scares me because I’ve had this happen in the past and lost control completely and either ended on my knees because the emotion was so intense I just collapsed, dissociating my brains out or I’d end up screaming, yelling a lot of things that I’d regret later, also become physically combative or throwing things. It can happen that I turn that anger towards myself, which is when my self harming behavior is the most dangerous because there is so much rage coming out with such intensity that I really slam into my skin full force, often I don’t remember doing these things later or only fragments of it. I can also leave, often I’m dissociated and who knows where I’ll end up. I think that state of active dissociation to me is the most scary about my disorder. When I’m lucky I just wake up from it a few streets away. But I’ve also ended up in another city, with strangers, waisted and just completely fucked up, I’ve even went so far that I was knocked out, OD-ing and, for example, had my sisters boyfriend pick up somewhere because I was completely out of it. But even then when I was coming back out of that high I’d still be in a crisis, screaming and crying. Eventhough I was on meds during that time. Right now I’m not on meds, I’m so glad.. that stuff is the worst and clearly I didn’t work so well.

So with that in mind, it’s really scaring the hell out of me when I feel such an intense and quick rage come up, it can knock me out mentally and I’ll be doing all kinds of crazy things that I’ll regret later.. for what? Often something that isn’t even real. But of course a lot of things in the past weren’t just in my mind. But now it often is because I still remember all the times people really, really hurt me so bad and I only responde inward, not on the outside. I didn’t talk, didn’t cry, didn’t do anything for years and years until I came to a point where that was build up inside so much that I couldn’t control myself anymore when triggered and since then I’ve had these really extreme, violent and destructive responses to triggers (‘emotional buttons’).

That’s something that I often didn’t want to see or admit or accept. When I was going over the 9 traits of borderline and I’d come to the one about the explosive emotional responses I used to say that I didn’t have that trait, but I do. Rarely these days, but I do. Usually they occure in a close relationship situation, because those are the people I let get close to me, others I do talk with about difficult things too but they don’t come close to me emotionally. I guess that I don’t even want that.

Also because of these intense feelings and responses to triggers I believed that no one would ever want to be with me, because I’m so horrible and all that. But my exes didn’t see it as a part of a disorder they just thought I was horrible and so did I. And they didn’t responde to it with understanding, neither did I. So there would be really intense arguing and fights often. Breaking up, coming back together, breaking up again. Fighting, then begging for forgiveness and that I hate you don’t ever leave me etc. It was really intense and totally destructive. Then both turning to other self damaging behaviors, like substance abuse and all that. It was awefull. Because of those experiences I’ve often said that I never wanted to be in a relationship again. I said that for the first time when I was 15 and actually some periods in my life I’ve been alone for a year or a few years, convinced that I’d rather fight loneliness than feeling that intense pain that I feel when I’m with someone again. Now I do feel it at times and it’s scary as hell but I’m so much in love that I’m willing to face it.

Now I’m older and I really want to make this work and I’m glad that I don’t explode so often anymore and that today I was able to make the right decisions. But oh my god it’s so frightening. I’m glad I’ll be starting therapy again soon and that everything goes so well until now even without therapy.

Anyway,, I’ll go chill the fuck out now Xx ❤

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