Impulsivity

I’m just coming off a very distinct borderline mood that is a bit difficult for me to explain. Wanted to write an impression of the feeling but then I got off that track.

I’m still trembling and there is also a lot of shame and guilt because I was spending money, that’s my guilty pleasure that I often use to soothe. Luckely I never got into any real depth because of it but it still feels horrible. There used to be so much more but spending is one of the things that I’ve got left. The thing is, it only soothes my mood at the moment, not afterwards. And it’s not like I need new clothes at all because this is my favorite go to when I feel horrible and it’s the one that’s the best hidden impulsive behavior. I can also impulsively get rid of a lot of clothes when I feel like I have found myself… which is A LIE. And I’ll regret getting rid of stuff I really did love actually.. Luckely I know that when I start drinking or doing drugs again.. well it’s obvious to everyone that this is self destructive behavior. When I spend I actually feel like it is a good thing, I’m happy, I’m feeling creative and inspired.. but eventually nothing really great comes from this kind of inspiration.. It’s gone as soon as the mood changes.

In general when I’m in a mood like during this afternoon I’m feeling down at first and then decide to go into the city.. (at least I’m not at home doing nothing..) then I start to feel energetic, inspired, spontanious and creative so it can seem like I’m very happy and just out having some fun.

Used to have days like these with some of the few girl friends I had that I met in therapy. Usually I’ve had one friend at the time, then lose contact and meet another girl later on. Ok, let’s just stick with my friend during schematherapy.. We met on my first day and we exploded into each other and were inseperable since then.

We’d just go into the city and spend and spend and spend and then we’d dress up, while drinking in.. Wearing our skimpy outfits (oh well that was just me..) and our new attitude like a shield.. At times I still miss hiding behind my usual cloud of smoke, it felt safe in a way? Then we’d go out under city lights, drinking and dancing and flirting with everyone. Making new best friends who we would never see again. I’d dance non stop so the feelings wouldn’t get to me because if I stopped for a moment the tears would well up in my eyes – I’d go flirt with the bar tender and get another shot of tequilla, that would usually do the trick. Until we were dancing on the tables and letting guys take us into the blurry night. Sometimes we would make it through unharmed but at times it got messy because we would get in some trouble because either I would snap and impulsively punch someone in the face or she would get in a fight with someone.. Of course we always stood up for each other so that could get pretty intense. Or one of us would collapse and end up dissociated and self harming and we’d just try to take care of each other. Then the next day we would feel hung over in the morning but later we’d be doing it all over again.

This was what happened when I had friends.. but mostly it was just me doing all this by myself which makes the story a bit more depressing.. but when there was a friend, she would be the best friend ever, we would always take care of each other and meet everyday. We would lose ourselves into each other because we both didn’t have a sense of who we were. The only thing we knew was the way we escaped from our inner pain. So we’d get worse and worse while believing we were having loads of fun in a sense of intense distraction.

The times before I had such friends I’d do my thing in that same manner but spend more time fucking people I hardly even knew. Usually it was very violent and at times I’d go to some of those people just to get beaten up or something because that would distract me from how horrible I felt. I didn’t have any real friends and rarely was hanging out with girls.. unless they became my best friend like I explained above.. Most of the time I was alone. Roamed a lot in a city where I had no family or friends who were actually good for me (didn’t want to see them anyway) so I would often end up with people who didn’t have the best intentions. But hey, at least I had a place to stay. Would often have sex with someone so I could sleep at their place or because they gave me drugs but I’d be gone before they woke up. Sometimes I went to school if I didn’t had another place where I could hang out but I often was feeling hung over or I was under the influence of something and hid in my own world listening to depressing music, not making contact with anyone. People at school were a nightmare anyway.. then the day came when my mentor called in psychiatric help for me and I had someone from the district team coming over and soon I’d be in a group therapy where I met the girls.

Those were dark times but then when I found some friends to continue this path of self destruction with, it started to seem like a lot of fun.. but eventually I sort of did decide to focus on recovery and then the girl would just turn me into the most horrible person, splitting on me like hell and we didn’t hang out anymore. After some time trying to get better I collapsed again and hung myself. So I’m not sure if it really did get better in the end. One of those best friend girls I used be with a lot hung herself some time before that and ended up in a wheel chair. I wonder how she’s doing now.

I now try to stay away from drinking and drugs, even when I feel impulsive but if I really started.. oh hell.. But spending is a thing I still do sometimes and it makes me feel so guilty and horrible. Writing is a much better idea. Sometimes it seems stupid that I stay inside so much but at least I’m safer from impulsivity when I stay in. With the problem of being down and depressed which isn’t good either.. What I do then is not eating.. hmm.. oh well..

After impulsivity there usually is an outburst of self hatred and intense urges to self harm but today I got through the heaviest wave, if I don’t get triggered again I’m already past it. Impulsivity triggers impulsivity, that’s a downward spiral I don’t want to get into.

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