Yesterday I didn’t feel so good, a bit unstable and not per se in the way of being emotionally unstable but mainly in the sense of identity disturbance. One of the big cores in borderline personality disorder is that you don’t feel a sense of self.
On a side note.. feeling like I don’t have a sense of who I am to me isn’t constant.. at least not anymore. It comes and goes. At times I can feel like I really do know who I am and I do feel stable.. the thing is.. it doesn’t have to mean that I am actually right. Sometimes I am just thinking like: Oh I finally have found my TRUE identity! Whoohoo! Then some time later, sometimes hours, sometimes months later, I collapse and there is this deep dissapointment and confusion.
Now I’ve clearly been going through this last summer, there’s no denying that.
What others usually see is a change of values, a change of appearance, a change in behavior. But with me what happens first is a change in appearance. When I was a kid I was always dressing up.. for example. And I know now that when I do dress up.. I am actually changing inside as well. Maybe like an actress does for a film? Now I am more aware of these changes but back then I don’t think I was aware of that always looking for an identity.
Simply because something in my environment didn’t match up with my internal world. Because of this sensitivity in me, that others didn’t seem to have or understand.. I think that people get a sense of who they are on one hand from there internal world but mostly from the way that it is reflected back to them by the world around them. And that’s where with me there was this confusion that lead to not knowing who I was and in that way for me adolescence for me has never ended. I only got back that.. I am different, I am wrong, I am not good enough.. which is now not a believe I have but the only core of my sense of identity. Thank you bullies! 🙂
But now I have come to a point where I see that when I dress different I feel different, I change. The way I percieve myself and as a result of that the way I view the world is changing when I change my look.. Yes that’s intense.. I know.. I clearly did use that last summer and it worked wonders.. I mean I did become a bimbo fuck doll because I looked that way, I believed that was who I always was, that I found myself.. and so on.
So naturally.. I have changed the way I looked soooo many times. Now I am slightly afraid of changing my appearance because I want to stay connected with myself. And I really do have to learn that if I change something about my appearance that doesn’t mean that I am then a different person.
But see it like this.. With every different look I had in the past.. people would treat me differently, people would look at me differently, acted differently towards me and eventually I used that. So I would change my look to make sure I would get the desired response. But mostly I started to feel that with every different style I used I was a different person. Because people would treat me differently, I believed that I was different.. without a core of self to go back to this would lead to so much confusion.
There has been a time where I felt like I had multiple personalities as a result of those changes and different identities. And so for example when I am little, I AM little, when I’m dressed as a bimbo: I AM bimbo. You get the idea?
For example there was a time when I died my hair blue.. or at first I really wanted to dye my hair blue. And I had been thinking a lot about it because I didn’t want to be impulsive.. but my ex at the time was looking at all the girls with colorfull hair and mentioning how great they looked ALL THE FUCKING TIME! It really upset me but I didn’t want to let it show. I think it was an asshole move to do that all the time but ok.. I ended up dying my hair blue. And that still didn’t change a single thing. But before that I hadn’t changed a thing about my appearance for a long time because I was afraid that my sense of identity would change too. Oh and it did!
With my last therapist I spoke about that I wanted to dye my hair blue.. and I remember her saying that, are you really going to talk about this in therapy? It’s not important, it’s just the colour of your hair. So we didn’t talk about it and that really made me feel misunderstood because for me that was a big thing but to her it didn’t matter. And then thinking now.. that she did treat people with BPD (?!) Also she always said that I was just stubborn.. and if I did let go of that stubborness then I wouldn’t get into trouble so much. Yes I think that being stubborn is the core problem in BPD! Just not be stubborn ok? Then you are saved 🙂 Maybe they should just say in the DSM: Main symptom of BPD: Stubborness..
Anyway… I’ve come to this point where I am getting afraid of changing my looks again as well because I just came off this intense summer period. However I do get into little space sometimes, that’s quite harmless and for the first time I do see this as a part of me that I go into and come back out of. So that is progress I think. But when I do my make up again and you know.. look more like last summer I get scared because I don’t want to end up lost again.
I felt really insecure last evening with that self hatred, that is not always me thinking: I hate myself.. It’s the only sort of sense of self that I have that is just always present and is something I don’t even think about. (Which is maybe how other people are just who they are and don’t think about it? Which for me seems like a strange land..) And I am not that aware of my self hatred but I do feel insecure, I do feel like I am never good enough, I do like other people and feel that I have to be like them to get validated or to validate myself. I want to feel strong and not like this always complaining difficult and sensitive sad person.. because I hate that and feel like a burden. So I changed my look to make myself feel better.. looking like the people I see around me that I feel have the qualities that I don’t sense inside myself.
Yesterday I did like do my eyebrows again which immediatly made me feel different. I didn’t touch them for half a year as in I didn’t use tweezers or anything. Because I thought that I’d be more natural and in that way more natural in my identity. It’s that magical thinking. If I do this, that will have a result that has nothing to do with the action itself.. Another example is that I have a stuffed animal that “protects” me.. uhu..
I am trying to deal with that identity disturbance but as you can see it is really complex and it influences a lot in my life and I really hope that therapy will help me become more stable because it makes me feel so horrible.
Something that also has to do with identity disturbance is the question: do I have borderline or not? Because at times I’m feeling alright and I’m not showing symptoms so it can make me think that I don’t have borderline anymore.. which is quite dangerous because then I become blind to the symptoms that will occur eventually.. but I’m ignoring them because I am convinced that I don’t have borderline and I’m identifying with not having BPD so I don’t pay attention to the symptoms. Let’s just say that’s the perfect recipe for getting into trouble.
On the other hand I can identify with having borderline so much that I almost don’t want to recover from it because it feels like I’m losing myself when I am not showing symptoms anymore.