Today I don’t really want to analize borderline like in my last posts.. but I’ll update what’s going on over the last few weeks instead..
Since I’ve done the SCID test I’m so very sensitive to everything, it’s been so difficult to manage my crazy thought patterns and the emotional rollercoaster I’m in. I’m feeling a constant sense of extreme insecurity and fear of abandonment which probably makes my behavior more difficult to deal with as well. Because I can be really fired up and angry or I’m really down and it’s difficult to find motivation to do anything. Sometimes I’m clingy, sometimes I’m really (emotionally) distant. I can be restless and do a lot of things and blame others for a lot of things that bother me. I’m easily triggered by the littlest things that other people hardly even notice. It’s difficult for me to calm my mind down and I can easily get into an obsessive state of mind. It’s difficult to stay with my thoughts in the moment, I think I’m gone for at least 90% of the time. Also, I haven’t been able to really be in little space completely for almost 2 weeks now and my libido is.. well.. different.. because I’m just not relaxed enough, my mind is gone, I’m not present emotionally.. or not feeling comfortable in my own skin. I mean, I can always have sex. It’s almost like I’m conditioned to have sex whenever.. but for a few months it was so much more than that. Kinda hard to explain it
What’s bothering me most of all right lately is my paranoia. Because I’m extremely easily triggered and the slightest things make me so upset and scared and make me feel so worthless. Usually it has to do with people aproaching my Daddy. Or just girls I see in general, as if everything and everyone is a threat to me. In the end that says everything about me and not so much about them. But then I get those paranoid thoughts and extreme moods and soon there’s a trigger upon a trigger, upon a trigger.. and I feel intensely overwhelmed with fear and self hatred and pain. Then empty because it’s all too much.. I feel everything, then nothing, then everything and so on. It’s really easy for me to snap when I’m like this. And it makes me remember why I spend so much time being afraid to open up to anyone because it’s just too painfull. I never connected with anyone like this before so that makes that fear and paranoia really intense. It just takes me over. And that is what bothers me mostly.
Because I start to percieve things differently. I’m triggered by a lot of things.. like someone looking or some girls presence, in real life or through media.. or something said, a glance in the ‘wrong’ way.. just anything.. and probably a lot of it is in my imagination. When it starts it only gets worse and worse. And then I’m confused because I feel everything so intensely that I can’t think clearly anymore so I actually percieve my own paranoid thoughts as real and since I always act in line with my emotions it really influences my behavior.
Making me turn away, literally or emotionally I distance myself. Or I snap with anger.. towards my Daddy or things.. or I get upset about other people and start to hate them for probably nothing.. And I can get really irritated but underneath there’s just a lot of fear and a lot of pain that I don’t know who to deal with. That fear of abandonment.. I think to me that’s like a phobia or something. It triggers a lot of that pushing and pulling behavior, luckely that’s not extreme now as it was before but still really difficult to deal with.
And after I’ve been difficult, pushing away, angry.. you name it.. I feel so remorseful, guilt and shame. I get angry at myself.. say sorry a lot, that fear of abandonment fires up again and I can become clingy or ask for validation (hope that is the right word).
Actually I just want to find some peace again. For a while it went so much better. And I really wish I could chill in a little space mindset again, I’m missing it.. but when I don’t feel good I can’t get into that mind space.
Also.. what could happen with that insecurity and self doubt.. I could break off in that slut mode again. Break off from myself and my feelings. Becoming that impulsive, superficial empty shell. At least I could pretend that I don’t feel this constant pain anymore. But I’m actually quite scared of it lately. I feel horrible when I’m being remembered of that side of me, it makes me sick. It probably kills my libido because I don’t feel free in my sexuality anymore. It makes me want to rip my skin off. Being in love is so painfull, at times it makes me wish for death.