Although the last blogpost was super long already I want to write more about the way I experience each subtype and my behavior. I know that this is super personal stuff but naturally I don’t really care.
So let’s start with the Quiet subtype mindset that I am in mostly lately. Basically what happens is that I feel really tired, probably because I get all the stimulous and emotional reactions and keep everything inside. This way of dealing with emotions causes feelings of depression (within everyone). Something happens and I get upset but don’t show anyone, I’m staying silent and at times I can’t even talk about it. It feels like I swallowed my tounge
My mind becomes restless and I can start to obsess about little things that happened (that to me feel like really big things) and I keep ruminating and then end up tired and depressed on the couch under a blanket feeling miserable. Usually I am quite submissive to everyone around me. I don’t want to show anyone how fucked up I feel on the inside. Then when no one is around I can self harm and have suicidal thoughts and tendencies. There is this feeling of not wanting others to think that you want attention or validation but still showing behavior that says otherwise and in that way it can seem very manipulative behavior but on the other hand I am not always aware of it at the time.
When I am in this mindset I am such a chameleon that it can feel like I’m losing myself in others and I can start to blame others for the fact that I don’t do the things I want to do but instead confirm to the things that others want from me (or what I think they want from me). What probably lies underneath is a feeling of emptiness so when the other person leaves I am feeling like a hollow shell. It’s scary. Also I can keep going on with my time alone with my favorite person in mind. So I am still not focussing on what I personally want. Now I am not escaping from this feeling of emptiness and loneliness by being with someone.. now I am just filling it with the thought of someone. So I can for example prepare for when they come back ..
Eventually this can cause a lot of anger inside me, which grows and grows and soon I’ll be exploding with rage when people push me because I already have been over my limits. This anger grows when I don’t speak up about those negative impulses inside. It can feel like people are mean to me in general because I have this anger inside of me, I probably project this onto others. I’m very negative about myself and so I percieve others as being negative towards me as well. Also I can feel like I stand alone, that I am never fitting in, that others don’t understand me, that they don’t even try to understand me.. so there’s more of that anger coming from. But it’s also me just being wired differently and being more sensitive to things that other people don’t even notice.
There’s probably much more to it but this is enough for now.
Usually it helps to talk about what’s going on inside me but when I do talk about my thoughts and feelings and those experiences that I obsess about I find that other people aren’t understanding what the problem is. Because to them nothing happened. While my feelings are exploding inside of me and I’m in an obsessive thought race. So clearly.. to me something has happened. Which causes me to become even more silent.
This happened soooo often when I was a kid. This was just my natural state when I grew up. Feeling misunderstood. I usually feel awkward when I do talk about what I feel because I’m used to hearing.. don’t be so sensitive or others not understand why I am so tense all of a sudden and so passive agressive at times too. I can really hold on to a lot of hatred towards other people as well because of that.
So then there was this feeling different, dressing different, feeling depressed and so I became this super silent but mostly submissive goth girl who isolated and self harmed. Which was a silent scream for help because I couldn’t talk about what was going on inside of me and when I tried I ended up standing alone anyway. I even started to hate my family because that.
Anyway.. now I am out of my concentration and thought flow so I’m going to fucking quit right here