This weekend my Daddy’s kids came over to place, for the first time. He’s a father and my ‘Daddy’.. It was the second time I met them. The first time was about half a year ago. They are about half my age and Daddy is half my age older than me so I’m like caught in the middle there.
It went really well, all together in my little appartment. The first day I felt really tired though and empty. I didn’t feel any emotions. Perhaps because I had this mindset of not wanting to disturb the kids with my sensitivity. I also didn’t feel little and I didn’t feel sexual at all. Like I said: I didn’t feel much. It was my way of coping with the situation. Trying to find out how to be in this new situation. On sunday I opened up a bit and let some of my more spontanious ‘little’ responses be. The kids know that my vibe is just younger than my actual age and so far there is no problem with that yet.
I’ve went through it all; more people in my home, having a bit of a messy living space.. and accepting all of that. Accepting that I don’t have as much control over my environment as I normally do.
Now that the weekend is over I’m trying to find my way again. I’ve been tidying up my home but it doesn’t really feel right yet. I don’t feel alright, that’s probably it.. It’s as if all the feelings I could have had this weekend just piled up and are now coming out of my system. I’m very easily irritated, don’t feel comfortable in my own skin..
Oh and there was this thing I’ve obsessed about for a few days, at first it was my diagnosis of course.. but after that it was about some neighbour who spoke with my Daddy and his kids. Some old hag asking him if he was visiting or living here and with who and whatever. No one EVER asked me how long I live here and with who or what I do or anything.
The only time I had contact with a neighbour was when some doped up guy from floor 3 thought that he was at his place after coming home at night and almost gave me a heart attack by almost kicking in my door I wrote a blog post about it back then it was horrible.
So with that in my mind of course I was furious about some bitch showing interest in MY Daddy.. eugh.. I obsessed about that for a few days..
Anyway, hope the next few days my mood will get better again. I didn’t think that the weekend would have this effect on me afterwards but of course this was only the first weekend together.