I’m at home alone today. It has been difficult for me to activate myself. My jobcoach was here. I’ve talked a lot, fast too and almost the whole time but I did let her talk sometimes too.. Felt a bit out of my mind though and now I’m still tired. I feel like I could sleep but my mind is too busy.
At times I feel scared, confused and empty. Sometimes I’m confused about what is real.. what I mean for example is having the feeling that I’m alone and feeling like Daddy isn’t coming back home. Or it feels like my friends don’t really like me at all. That they are just being nice but actually think I’m crazy as fuck and experience me as a burden or find me self centered.. I’m having a lot of thoughts.. some are disturbing, others are helpfull. It’s a constant struggle to focus on thoughts that calm me down. The mental fight is probably what drains all my energy.
I think about my SCID interview alot. Remembering all the things I had forgot to mention and I’m also scared about what the diagnosis might be. And I’m asking myself.. am I really crazy? What is real? Why do they want to know all this? What kind of institution actually is this? Are they just going to give me pills or say I’m crazy because I’m on to them? Do they want to help me? Or is there something else going on..
Am I just being paranoid? I feel so alone, without knowing who I can trust. I just want to be happy, healthy, love my friends.. be there.. with the energy to do things. I don’t want to weigh others down.
It’s weird to have these two sides.. that calm rational side and the other just being so confused, irrational.. easily overwhelmed and all that. Trying to keep control over everything inside or giving away control just to become calmer. I don’t know.. it’s hard work lately. To correct unhelpfull thoughts and impulses. It can feel like I’m going crazy but in the end I think that I’m actually more insane when I believe everything is going smoothly all of a sudden. That mental correction is probably the healthier side of me. If I lose that then I’m becoming someone else or something else. When I stop debating these weird thoughts of mine..
There have been times, not many though.. when under stress I’ve heared or seen something that wasn’t anything possibly real and I questioned those experiences later. I’ve told about these things during the SCID and now I’m scared.
That’s basically it for this blogpost..