Last monday and yesterday I’ve had the SCID test to recieve a diagnosis, which I’ll need to get the right therapy. It’s basically answering difficult questions for over 5 hours, about private subjects that you’ll probably don’t feel like talking about. Naturally I’m really tired and got today and tomorrow off so I can recover. I’ll work for a few hours on friday though, because I don’t think it’s good to get out of my work routine.

Doing the SCID made me feel a bit anxious and at times very paranoid and suspicious. But I decided to be as open as possible about everything anyway. Shouldn’t believe everything that my mind tells me. I think that showing more symptoms during stress isn’t that strange.

Luckely Daddy is there for me 🙂 and I went to my sisters boyfriend yesterday after the first part of the SCID so I wasn’t alone. The rest of my family didn’t ask how the test went or anything. Not sure how I feel about that.

Part of the test is about giving examples from situations when symtops occured. So I had to go back to unpleasant memories, which opened a can worms.. Now a lot of memories come back to me because of the littlest triggers, sometimes even without a trigger. It’s all messy too, no clear memories, they are all mixed up. Or it feels as if somethings happening to me again, reliving a past experience or feeling, without even knowing which memory is linked to it.

Also I still feel really suspicious and it feels like there aren’t many people I can trust. It can feel like people don’t have good intentions. Like they are just being nice because they want something from me :/ Maybe that’s the truth and not just a thought of mine.

Anyway.. I’ve been drained a lot lately. Don’t feel like having contact with people or do anything. This afternoon went better, did all my chores and had to repot some plants. Got to repot some more seedlings but that’s something for another day. I’m really tired again.

In 3 weeks I’ll hear what the result of the test is. I’m a bit worried that I’ll recieve more diagnoses than before or different ones.. but in the end it’s about getting the right treatment and not about labeling someone. Should remember that.

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