Only hours after writing my last blogpost I went from an unhealthy mindset into crisis mode.. I tried to avoid that by shutting down my phone, writing, distraction, dancing but eventually I was feeling sick and tired and laid on my bed for a few hours. Daddy came home finding me zoned out on the bed after I had made friends with my stanley. So that was really fucked up.
Was really scared that Daddy would leave me and I felt really guilty and ashamed of myself. But then he gave me a hug and I could cry, which was good. We went out for a walk and talk in the sun later, chilling the rest of the day.
So that was a relapse with the knife. Although the building of mental pressure stopped, it didn’t give me the high that I used to have. It just doesn’t work anymore and I think that I know why.
When you start using self destructive behavior as a way to relieve stress and get a high, you often do that because you feel like you’re out of other options, it can feel like you are powerless and life is happening to you. Until the destructive behavior becomes a habit or an addiction. Then your mind tells you that you have no other options. Later on you learn (usually through therapy) that you always have the choice to make better desicions. That you are not your thoughts, you have thoughts.. which is something different, because now you learn that you are not powerless. Also you learn new skills on how to deal with a mental crisis. Of course that doesn’t work right away but at some point you cannot get into that victim mindset anymore and look at yourself in the mirror straight.. At this point.. knowing that you have the skills to do things differently and then still going for the destructive behavior… that just takes all the power and effect out of that unhelpfull way of coping. Just because you know now that only your mind tells you that you don’t have any other options. You have got the tools to choose differently now and you’re just not using them, or could’ve prevented this if you had only used your healthy coping skills sooner. That last part has everything to do with learning what the signals of crisis are in your thought patterns and behavior and then taking action. Which is the process that I am going through right now and it’s what I will get help with through therapy.
Of course that’s all easily said when I’m not in an unhealthy mindset but eventually even when I’m in the middle of a crisis I will remember and use healthier coping skills.
This whole week the pressure has been building up and every day when I was tired and felt that I went past my limit I didn’t listen to my body and just went on because.. I have to work, I have appointments, I need to do this, I need to do that and saying yes to everything because I don’t want to dissapoint people. I feel like other people can do so much more in a week. I want to keep up with them and it’s difficult for me to accept that I can’t. It makes me feel like I’m just being lazy and that I have to do things.. But in reality.. if I had a healthy mind then I would’ve gone out into the sun, finally the weather was wonderfull! But I was too occupied trying not to drown in my own mind.
At least the pressures off now, feeling a bit done though. Tired on one hand and the other.. well I’ve been up for a few hours now and really jumpy in my mind. Inside my morning was like this:
Daddy I love you.. give me attention, give me attention. I need to know that you don’t leave me, don’t leave, don’t leave me. Hi.. are you with me? Are you with me? Are you with me? I want you to be happy and if you are unhappy then I want to make you happy! I love you, I love you, I love you! Do you love me too? Hi! Cuddle time!! Give me attention and love me, love me, love me! If you go away I’ll be sad, so stay, stay, stay.. ha HA, no pressure.. just say that you love me too, because I love you! Prr.. Xx ❤
Now I’m going to chill the fuck out.. Zzz.. before I give myself another crisis from going so high on loving Daddy that I ignore both our limits..
That mindset made me think of this song..