Beware.. another vent/rant blogpost…
Because I’m so fucking tired! I go to bed tired but restless and then I’m waking up.. still tired.
At work there aren’t enough people in my department. So I’m working with a colleague for about an hour and do the rest of my shift alone. Yesterday my boss asked me if I can work on thursday too so now I’m working on wednesday, thursday and friday. So no days in between, will be fun.. Also got an appointment on wednesday after work and thursday before work. During next weekend I’ve got two important guests over. Which could be challenging for me. And my father wants to meet with me somewhere next week as well.. Last time he was here meeting my Daddy and I was just tripping or something. Great..
Next monday I’ve got that psychological test, to make sure I recieve the best fitting diagnosis and with that the right therapy. So that’s important as fuck, no pressure….
And I’ve got some things that I need to do but for now everything is too much. Which sucks! I wish I had more energy. Because I planned to work on fun kinky projects..
Last night I went to Jeroen of Bizarre Design with RopeMarks. I’m glad that I went although I felt so drained already that I almost cancelled. Luckely it gave me a bit of positive energy as well but today there is nothing left.
This afternoon I wanted to work on a more personal kink project with a friend. We’re building something, or actually my friend is doing the building part but I need to fit in it. So sometimes I’m needed for taking measurements and also making decisions. We’re working on it together but I’m just not that handy with building stuff.. I don’t want to spoil the fun by telling what it is. But it will be for my personal use and can be used for my personal shoots as well.
Now that were on the shoots and ‘work’ subject. I’m still not doing any sex work anymore. And I just really, really, really want to pull the work factor out of my kink and sex life because it’s really damaging me. People keep asking me and I keep repeating.. No. I want to make content some time but for now I’m only doing preparation projects for fun. My home is becoming more like a safe place for ‘little me’ and that all goes naturally, without a work factor and ruining that by adding work to it only would upset me. I was pure one day and I will be pure again, so fuck off.
Today I sort of lashed out at Daddy on whatsapp.. It was only shortly and we’re ok now. But I know where this can go so that’s a bit upsetting. My mind just splitted and I couldn’t take back control because I’m so at my limits right now.
Although I’m tired I got that feeling like I need to compulsively do all the chores at home. It has to be perfect. I looked at the chores and decided that I’m too drained to be compulsive right now. The sun is out but I’m too depleated to put on clothes or do anything right now. I shut off my phone because people keep talking to me and I cannot process the messages anymore.
When I’m like this I feel like everyone wants something from me and I want to lash out and push them away. Because I feel like I’m losing myself underneath all the things that people want from me. I don’t even know what I want anymore. Leave me alone. Don’t smother me. When people all want my time and attention at the same time I’m freaking out. When I meet more than one person at the same time often I don’t know how to be and I’m freaking out. Losing myself again.
But actually, I don’t want to be left alone… I want to have the energy, for once!! to be able to have fun with Daddy, with friends, work on fun projects, meet people.. be a good colleague and help out.. help others and be good and caring. And actually for example.. I’d like to go to a littles meet sometime.. I want to go to some place with animals or plants.. or whatever.. But I just don’t have the energy to even plan any of those things. And I don’t even know if I want people to plan it for me because I already feel like I’m giving everything away. I’m fucking drowning already.
My mind is super slow right now, like I’ve been drinking last night or partying. It feels unfair because I didn’t.
I don’t know what to do right now but I guess this blog post has been long enough ..