Lately I got some feelings that I really don’t understand, never have understood and maybe never will.. or it just feels that way. I will try to explain.
Maybe there are a few things..
And then there is this slutty side, pink, glittery little doll.. being bratty, doing make up, flirty, Not all that innocent.. All that trashy fucking pauper, trailer trash, little bratty bimbo stuff ..
I’m feeling almost constantly torn between at least two sides of me. One side is that babygirl mindset that I’m a lot in lately.. Loving all the coziness and little things and #farmcore, cuddly pets and stuffed animals, paci’s, blankies…. and all the homey things, like taking care of my plants and stuff.
Topping that with all the dark stuff I love… gore, psycho, dark and depressing, destroying, blood, pain.. Praying to turned crosses and little kids hospitals with restraints like psychiatric wards.. fucking in a confession booths.. whatever.. oh well.. just gore :3
Combining all that would be like perfect.. but I’m so torn into pieces.. I mean personality. It’s really confusing.
So then there is the nice sunny weather and that has some effect on this confusion, I don’t know why. Just makes me more restless.
Like at work lately, I’m super restless, can’t focus.. I look like a glittery little with pigtails and fake lashes, checking people out.. 😉 Not knowing how I feel about that but I guess that I try to get a response or something? Do I want to be noticed or laughed at? All that people do, whatever.. and I’ll think that it has got something to do with me.. while often it probably isn’t so I guess I’m just being a self centered little cunt
When last summer came I tried to choose a side. When I did, I blocked the other parts of me that are a bit more against it all. Going completely over my limits. But it was easier at the time to pick a side rather than staying confused. I felt like finally I belonged somewhere. Because of all the confusion I described above I feel like I don’t fit in. I don’t fit in with my family, I don’t fit in with my friends, I didn’t fit in at school, I don’t fit in at work.. I don’t fit in at parties, I don’t fit in in crowds.. and that really makes me lonely at times too. Or it makes me feel like I’m not real or that I don’t matter or that people are against me but that’s probably a projection of experiencing myself as the ultimate outsider. Doing destructive things helps with not feeling all this..
When I talk with colleagues I’m just saying whatever without thinking.. lately I’m becoming more provocative with the things I say.. why is that? And I’m feeling this social awkwardness all the time. Being impulsive with the things I say. Now I’m really sure they think I’m just crazy I can’t snap out of it but right after I feel like such a loser and start thinking too much. I’m re-interpretating everything they said and what I said and it’s just so pointless.. and intense too because everything has an effect on how I feel, about people. about myself etc. It’s like constant shifting sand and really confusing. Makes me split on my colleagues sometimes too, like some people that I hardly even know, who cares.. but I guess that I do because I just start to think that they just lie to me instead of really being nice and that they all talk about me behind my back. Maybe that’s what all the previous bullying did to me. I don’t know. I wanted to hurt myself after work..
Could this be what was lying underneath all the chaos of last summer? Maybe I don’t have it that much in autumn and winter because I’m just staying at home anyway. It’s cold.. I don’t go outside, so I’m not really triggered in social situations. When the sun is out people are also more flirtacious and sexually outgoing which with me also goes into extremes. Although I feel continiously confused about that, switching between having an aversion of sex and kink and being slutty and all that. Or I actually feel like I’m happily being the nastiest slut on earth.. No in between.. yay
At first I thought that all this was just puberty, that it would go away when I finally found myself. So I kept looking for myself, outside of me.. that wrong in every way. Then I stopped doing that and I think that at my age puberty is over but this confusion about who I am is still present. And it’s the most horrible thing ever.
When I pick a side I do fit in? And also I’m seeing other people who I love and sometimes people that I wish that I was like but I know now that it doesn’t matter if I change myself to be more like others, I will always feel uncomfortable with myself, I will always be negative about myself. And it will only make me feel more socially awkward so I try not to do that anymore. I can really hate people, just because I like them so much. That’s probably just jealousy or hating the way they make me feel about myself.
It this constant feeling of being uncomfortable in my own skin. Feeling like I’m not good enough. Feeling like I never fit in. Feeling awkward in social situations, making me either shy/silent or impulsive and provocative but also being as sweet and thoughtfull as I can be. Feeling vunerable too. Someone could rip my heart out with one sentence, which I would obsess about for days. Or even worse, when I say something and then there is this awkward silence.. Aaahh.
When I see other people with borderline I can spot them from a distance, just because I recognize this social awkwardness, impulsiveness, almost nervous and so uncomfortable. Either closed or oversharing and so provocative. Drawing attention to themselves.
I wonder, if I see it in others, do other people see it in me too? And people who don’t have borderline, do they see it too? And if it shows, does it make a difference?
Last weekend I saw my father again, did that trigger this confusion??
After all that intense stuff here’s just some pictures of the last few days..