Challenge of decision making..

Today I’m feeling better than last friday.. Also I have some good and exciting news!

Something I haven’t really written about is that Daddy and I have been looking for a cuddly cat to come live with us. It made me aware of some things that I haven’t really processed yet and made me aware of how my mind works sometimes.

First a background story..

About 8 years ago I’ve had two cats, two super lovely, beautiful and young cats. One quite dominant male cat and a female cat who was a bit timid. During the time they lived with me I was mentally in a very dark place. Often I couldn’t live at home and had to stay with family because otherwise I would’ve been taken in for an inpatient treatment to get stable again. Anyway, at times my cats had to go to my sister and her boyfriend and lived with them because I couldn’t take care of them.

The cats didn’t seem to have the right character to live inside an apartment, they wanted to explore more. The thing with kittens is that you cannot really see how they will be when they grow up. They were young and active but they were stuck inside with someone who probably had a really horrible energy at the time. It made them down, nervous, uncomfortable and it made me feel guilthy that I had brought them into my home without the ability to give them what they deserved. It broke my heart. So I decided to look for a better place for them. I met a woman through a course that I did and told her about this situation with my cats. She said she always wanted to have cats like I had. They were special breeds.. no ordinary house cats. That’s probably why they had quite strong characters as well. She asked her husband if he was okay with adopting my cats. I went to her place, she had a cat safe garden, which means that the cats can not get out but have a place to be outside. She had a few other cats and a little dog. They all looked healthy and happy. She also had children so there were enough people to give my cats the attention they needed. I kept in contact with her and saw my cats happy on pictures. It really hurt me but I felt that I made the right choice for them. Eventually the cats lived with me for 3 years. I’ve tried my best but it didn’t work out in the end.

After that I told myself that I wouldn’t get any cats (or other pets) again. Because I believed that no pet would ever be happy living with me. Since I was so unstable.. I also believed that I would never live together with anyone, especially not in my two room apartment. I also believed that I would never be able to be in a healthy relationship. And I think that for a long time that was the truth because I just wasn’t mentally stable enough.

Now we are a few years further in time. I’ve been living alone, I’ve been believing all these things I told myself. Done all those crazy things.. those things that I had to get out of my system before I could calm down. Like doing the escort work.. and making the porn video’s.. losing my mind a little bit too. I’m sure it won’t be the last time that happens but I feel a lot calmer now that I’ve done these things. And it’s good that I’m starting therapy again to work on staying true to myself…

Then I fell in love, then I ran from it.. then I lost everything and felt that although I believed I wouldn’t be good for anyone to be with.. I wanted to try to connect anyway. Now I feel better than I’ve ever felt before, in a peacefull way this time.. not in a ‘I feel so good but I’m actually manic like hell’ kind of way.. While being aware that I will always have to be working on myself to keep mania and depression away. Luckely I don’t feel like I have to do this alone any longer.

So after fantasizing for a long time about having a cat again.. together with my Daddy.. I feel like I can give it another go. My situation has changed and also I know what will happen if I don’t keep working on myself. It’s a bit scary though because I really don’t want to be in that situation again when you just know that your pets are unhappy.

My Daddy and I have been looking for a little cat friend lately, at first more together but because of my history with my two cats I’m super picky when it comes to make a choice. I realised this when Daddy found two cats and it all went a bit fast, I had my doubts again and got really scared so I said I wasn’t ready. Then Daddy said that he lets me decide and supports me whatever my decision will be. ā¤

Online there are so many cats looking for a home.. and I don’t mean kittens. This time I’m really not going for a young cat.. with all that young energy in an appartment.. and a character that’s a surprise for later.. not a good idea. We’ve been looking for a cat that’s a bit older, who doesn’t mind a smaller living space and doesn’t need to go outside. Although I don’t mind turning my balcony into a cat safe area if needed.. And I’ve been looking for a cat who is calm, who likes to cuddle and is just very sweet and easy going.

And I found one..

Then I came across this manic side of myself.. excitement, rush, focus.. so I decided to slow down.. think about it for a bit. I did other things this weekend, focused on something else, like family and friends. Thought of other cats as options too. But that one little cat just kept popping into my mind and I felt this knowing inside my heart that I had made a decision. This time coming from a calm energy.

I realise that I’m making such a long post about all the processes I go through, while for others making decisions probably isn’t that complex.. but for me.. it’s always that question inside: Am I doing the right thing? Am I making the right choice? Am I being realistic? Am I not being impulsive again? Which energy lies underneath all this? Am I being true to myself? Am I not going too fast? Because I feel like I can’t always trust myself because of my mental illness and that’s a painfull thing to realise and live with and often it’s scary too.

But I think that I know now that when I let go of decision making for some time and do other things.. I will feel inside what the right choice is. If I only take some time and listen to my intuition.

So then I contacted the woman who works for the shelter where the cat lives now and I feel comfortable with the way she thinks. I had to fill in a form so she could check if my living situation fits the needs of the cat. She said he will fit perfectly with us and that she will take full responsibility for the cat so she also really looks for the right match. I told her about my past situation and asked her some questions but her answers were really positive and she just thinks with me, that really helps. She also said she will keep contact with us also after the adoption, which gives me a good feeling as well, she also doesn’t live that far away from us, so if all goes well she can even come over after some time to see if the cat is happy with us.

Now there is the introduction part.. the cat I chose is a 6 years old boy called Miltos. He lived on the streets of Syros before he was brought to the shelter. He’s really calm, doesn’t mind living inside and loves to cuddle a lot. He’s very fluffy and has one eye, which I think is super cute šŸ™‚ He doesn’t mind being the only cat at home, in the shelter it’s a bit too crowded for him and he only likes other cats when they are calm and sweet (which gives me a good vibe about his character).

When I see these photo’s I really sense a calm and sweet energy. Which is exactly what I am looking for. He could be the perfect cuddly companion for us.

Around the beginning of may he will come to the Netherlands. Although my heart chose him when I opened up.. I’ve still been looking for other cats in the Netherlands.. because I think that there are so many cats already here living in a shelter that deserve a good home. But other cats didn’t touch me the way Miltos does.. It’s good that it takes a little longer for Miltos to come to the Netherlands, because then I am unable to rush into it, make preparations and live up to the moment of picking him up from the airport.

Daddy completely supports me on this, I’ve been asking him a few times though. I just want to be sure that we’re doing this together and that we make a choice coming from a healthy mindset.

So yeah.. this blog post is more about making decisions like this when you are mentally challenged šŸ˜›

And a bit of an introduction for Miltos šŸ™‚

I so hope he will be happy with us!!

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