This morning I had my intake consult to get into therapy again, because obviously I still have some work left to do.
Just told my story, about my life and the therapy I already have done for the borderline personality disorder but that I still go through phases although I use my therapy skills when I deal with symptoms.
We made a time line to draw out the highs and lows during my life. At least from what I still remember clear enough.. My childhood seemed alright. Then I was depressed with intense mood swings during puberty and adolescence. Followed by at least two clear periods of being in a super high mood and restless energy. Followed by low mood depression, borderline symptoms and then fading into a more stable mood with a borderline sensitivity that is controlled through using therapy skills. Until the high starts again.
It’s possible that the high mood phases are caused by the identity disturbance seen in borderline personality disorder but it is also possible that I have also a bipolar disorder (manic depression) aside from the borderline personality disorder.
At least that could be why the therapy I had before doesn’t cover everything. I know that I will never be symptom free and that’s okay, as long as I can manage them well enough to go through life. The phases are something else.
I’ve been open about the things I’ve done last summer and I’ve been open about being into kink and that I now use a child like mindset to relax (not that it is a kink to me as well).
I said that I’d still like the be able to do these ‘crazy’ things sometimes but without losing myself. That I don’t want to stop doing these things because they are ‘bad’ or something, that this is a part of me but that I want to do this while staying connected with myself and with partner.
On april 1 well do the psychological tests and then I have to wait another 2 weeks until they have come with the conclusion.
Now I’m super tired. The conversation was really intense, I had to tell everything in one hour. Luckely I speak super fast sometimes. When I left I had lost my way on a walk that was supposed to be 5 minutes.. it took me 45 minutes to find a way.. a whole other way in the end. My mind just was all over the place and I couldn’t focus anymore. Was on the edge of a panic attack the whole 45 minutes. Anyway, I’m home now and changed my planning for this afternoon a bit so I can rest. I feel completely depleated.
Luckely my fp can come with me next time for the tests. This time a lot of important things fell together so it wasn’t possible for him to be with me this morning. And also, I thought it wouldn’t be that intense.. but it was.