Just going through my photo’s to select some for an article and found my very first doll pictures that I made about 2 years ago with my friend Jazzoh.. thought I’d just upload some sort of throw back blog post 🙂 Starting with my first shoot ever.
This photo is from my first play shoot with Jazzoh. Actually it is a photo in between playing and I have this weird awkward smirk on my face because the camera made me nervous.. I’m better at ‘just being’ during play. I was really camera shy actually and not really into posing at all.. I just wanted to make photos of our play time to see it afterwards. What I liked about this play time with Jazzoh was that he made everything we used himself, like that collar and just used other simple things from the hardwear store 🙂 I remember making a hood out of a jute bag… I still got it and used it during many photoshoots. It is only made from jute and put together with staples that are now falling out. Everything was super raw and basic. That was everything Ioved during that time! Really extreme kinks, like really hardcore slavery and stuff like that but very true and real. Although this picture is more cute lol!
It’s fun to look back now and find different photo’s interesting than back then. There is so much incorrect about this photo, looking at it now after doing all the modeling, that’s probably why I never uploaded it but it’s really cute because of that as well.. Wanting to be objectified into being a bimbo barbie doll was the only thing ever on my mind.. Always. Clearly had an obsession with bimbofication. My mind was conditioned into craving anything pink.. always.. and clearly I was addicted to tanning. Think I went tanning like 3 times a week.. every week. It was insane. Never been that tanned in my life every since.
During my past relationship I’ve experimented with little space at first, then the submissiveness and eventually bimbofication but I always felt held back because of my situation at the time. Often I felt like I was alone in all this.. while these kinks mean nothing when you experiment by yourself. BDSM is all about the dynamic and the connection you have with your (play) partner.
Because of my interest in slavery I went with my ex to the piercing shop and got my nose ring placed. Eventually that was more for me than for our dynamic, since our kinks didn’t seem to match at all in the end. But I really was getting a kick out of the whole process with the nose ring that eventually took about a year to stretch to the size that it is now.
After the break up with my ex everything that was held back at the time exploded. I had been in control with medication for some time as well but during my relationship I tried to become more manageable. But then I was single.. and there was nothing that could stop me at this point.
I’ve had supportive friends though. Without them I might not have gotten that far with my explorations. They were beside me every step of the way. Eventhough they lived far away. Every day I could talk to them about anything that crossed my path, when I was in a relationship and when I was single and now they still are there should I need them.
Everyday working on bimbofication, sluttifying.. make up practice, dressing up and showing off.. making selfies, getting my nails done, going on fuck or play dates.. Letting them guide me or decide for me. Conditioning my mind, working on the process every single day. For almost 2 years.
During the same time I started modeling, at first I didn’t go for it but RopeMarks asked me and I was really interested in bondage, besides we connected so well! Then the whole modeling grew out to ‘Arienh’.
Because of my sluttyfication process I started to show more and more of myself online. More than I thought I ever would but in the end I’ve learned that my whole body is beautiful in it’s own way. So that’s really a good thing. It’s weird to see that now while if I would have gone further into bimbofication I probably would have gotten a boob job and all that.. Lately I don’t feel like I need that at all.
In bimbofication everything is about looking ‘perfect’ like a sexy barbie doll. Not that perfect really excists but there are some standards to how a bimbo often looks. It was all about becoming an object, only to attract men. That was my lifes purpose at the time. Besides the look, I was also training to get into a doll space, to become emptier, through hypnosis and other practices. Every day I practiced being a bimbo at work with my customers, even when I worked at the store. Until I changed jobs and actually became a high class escort companion and cam girl. Which was a whole experience! I’ve learned so much from it.
All the money I made got pumped into my bimbofication process. Literally pumped the money into my face through injectables. It was all very kinky to me at the time to experience this, to look so bimbo but also the process of getting the injections and how my lips felt afterwards. My followers started to send me all kinds of things as well. I was asked to go to parties, to travel to other countries and swingers resorts. I mean.. I never would have thought I’d ever go to all these parties. It’s not like I ever had the money to go on vacation during all many years before all this. Me with my hermit ass traveling?? What?! You must be kidding right? Well I did travel, every month.
I couldn’t go outside of the house without my pornstar make up.. Had to wear skimpy outfits all the time or at least be as bimbo as possible. My whole perception of what was socially acceptable changed. After a while people on the streets started to look at me differently. Some called me names, some called me a whore.. even before I actually became a whore. Women gave me mean looks and men stopped their car when I walked down the street and asked for my number or offered me a ride home.. when I was just around the corner of my home. It was actually starting to scare me. Some people in the end thought they could buy me.. even when I wasn’t working as an escort. They wanted to buy me and scared the hell out of me because I thought.. how can you not see that this is wrong?
Later on everything got more serious. Whatever I did, it all became kind of ‘for the brand’.. to grow further into bimbofication.. Eventually I was offered to make porn video’s, which I have made and I thought I would go further on this path forever. Especially when I was offered to go to the USA where I’ve met my favorite bimbo pornstars.
Everything went so incredible fast. This peak of traveling, parties, photoshoots, filming porn and escort work all in one summer. I guess that this didn’t help with staying close to myself. Can you imagine living like a doll everyday? Every step I took was to get closer to this goal of being the perfect bimbo fuck doll. Believing that I was getting closer to myself, what a joke!
During that time I kind of lost that innocent part of me, that I find so beautiful now. Everything got so serious, there was no room left for me to be little, like the way that I am now. I had become a hard shell with nothing inside.. well unless you did look further but I kept everyone at a distance at the time.
In the beginning everything was about being more pure, being raw and real.. but later on I kind of lost sight of that. I don’t think that made me any more beautiful, especially not on the inside, because like I said, I lost my soft side. But.. if you’re into all slutty pornstar look.. trashy and needy.. well then it was great. The weird thing was.. to be a high class escort I had to be stylish and classy.. which kind of went into the other direction. So that kind of clashed into each other.. which wasn’t fun.
Online I only showed how great everything was because at the time I wasn’t in contact with myself anymore and I didn’t feel any negative feelings, I was so high on life. Guess that I just totally ignored negative feelings completely.. I only felt restless but tired in the end. At the moment I am not on social media platforms anymore because it doesn’t feel right and it does not feel real.
Eventually, having sex everyday made me go numb, on many levels. Doing all these things.. being slutty, being an object.. doing some sex work.. it all started from kinks but it drove me further away from any form of connection I had with others and myself.
Right now, I am embracing my soft side, my innocence, my little space. All together with my partner, my fp, my Daddy. With connection as the goal and I’m learning what sex is like when you really connect and feel together. I’ve never experienced that with anyone before, ever. Now that I’ve crawled out of my depression.. that I got in after the whole bimbo story, that slutty side is coming back to me. On one hand I enjoy it but on the other hand it scares me and it makes me nervous, because I don’t want to lose myself again. The difference now is that I’m with my Daddy, like he is with me every day.. to help me take baby steps (lol!) back into this exciting world. I’ve been asked to go to parties again, to travel again, to do shows.. to do shoots.. to do another bukkake, to make more porn movies, to do escort work again.. but this time I’m taking it really slow. Some things I might do again, when I do not know. There is no rush this time. All that I want to focus on is staying connected with myself and feeling the connection with my Daddy. Sometimes I feel enthousiastic and want to do all these things again.. sometimes I’m really scared of it. At times it makes me lose myself again. At times I have to come back to my senses… Because underneath it all. I’m actually a really sensitive girl, even though I can be the sluttiest fuck doll as well.
My Daddy and I have been talking about letting some of our friends take care of me some time. It will be fun but also a challenge, since everything that happened. I’m excited but nervous at the same time… Sometimes my own sluttiness scares the hell out of me.. Oh god I have a dark side.. Yes I have.
Now I have gone through all this. I’ve gotten through the depression I got in afterwards and I’m finding my soft side again, feeling a connection with my loved ones. It’s a miracle..