Slut mode

Just uploaded a blogpost that should’ve been posted yesterday evening, found it still as a concept.. so there are two blogposts this morning..

Last night after I wrote I’ve somehow gone into a numb slut mode. Which is mostly fun for other people. Except me because I’m numb.. that’s probably why that whole bimbo doll thing went on last summer. Trying to make something out of a coping mechanism? At least it was some sort of escape from all the chaos and feelings. I wish that I could be slutty again like that but without the numbness and just enjoy the ride as well. It’s frustrating to have sex without being able to feel anything. That’s also why I don’t want to do sex work lately. The only thing that will happen is that I go in some slut mode.. with the danger of not being able to come back to myself anymore. I’ve got to work on that first before I get into sex work again.

lol, makes me think of this picture..

It’s as if I break into pieces. I can’t feel connected and open up to my slutiness and the same time. Maybe because a mindset is so intense that the rest of me is just blocked or something. I wonder if that is being pure or quite the opposite. I just lose myself in mindsets and experiences. Oh wel..

Again, my mind doesn’t get boring. Last night I went from slut to little in only a few hours and then back to myself after chilling with some tea for a while. It sounds stupid because it’s all me but it just doesn’t feel that way.

I kinda break off because of things that I see and hear. Maybe when I’m tired or just because that’s how my mind works. It’s been far worse, up to the point of not even knowing who I am at all. Popping in and out of alters almost the opposite of each other, switching in a second and myself just being lost or something.. It was intense and extreme but also felt pure ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m everything.. sort of.. I’m easily fading into anything.

“I’m extreme, dark and light” – “That’s your shadow in the wall, can’t get rid of your shadow, can you?” ๐Ÿ™‚

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