Just went out of bed because I’m just lying there twitching and turning, my mind doesn’t stop and I feel so uncomfortable and irritated. No point in staying in bed. This week I’ve been feeling like I want to crawl out of my skin.
I’ve noticed that I haven’t been relaxed at all lately. Before this week I’ve had a lot of moodswings, at times that wasn’t fun but at least it was pure and I just let it happen, talked about it and dealt with it the best I could.
Now I don’t feel that way.. it’s more like switching between feeling restless or irritated with little to no space in between.
I’ve been obsessive with my home for the last.. week, already a week I think. The plants, of course. Decluttering, cleaning, tidying up.. whatever.
So, what I did today: washed the clothes and fold them, washed the windows in and out, the bathroom; including the door, all the tiles and the floor.. I’ve reorganized some closets, the kitchen counter and placed a lamp. Replaced some paintings.. Watered my plants. Did all the floors in the house also under the bed and stuff.. Washed the dishes, threw the garbage out, hung the sheets outside on the balcony.. and helped my fp place some of his stuff in the house. Dusted off practically everything.. I think I’ve done like most of the hard work in a few hours this morning before breakfast. Oh and I used drain cleaner everywhere in the house, I bought also today because it’s an old appartment so I just need to do that from time to time. Then I was near the vintage store and bought some little pots and stuff for my plants. Even found some wood oil, so I’ve also oiled some of my small furniture.
I have no rest.. I’ve tried to watch some nostalgic kid movies like The Labyrinth and The Never Ending Story but I just couldn’t chill the fuck down, I was just running around washing the dishes and only listening to the movie. Then I just reorganized the kitchen and just jumping from one chore to the next.
The thing is, I’m also becoming super aware of everything in my house. What is placed where and how and why and different.. I’m changing things, putting things back.. I guess that I’m trying to hold on to something that gives me a sense of control and also I’m trying to find my own way in the whole moving situation. Sometimes I’m really scared. Will this still be my safe place?
I’ve noticed that because of my irritation and restlessness it’s super difficult now to make a connection with anyone. When people want to hang out with me, I feel like.. eugh just leave me alone. I often stop responding to messages again and feel like I want to be left alone. Like people all want something from me or criticize me.. giving me that ‘get off my back’ feeling.
This thursday I wanted to go to my mom but I didn’t had the energy for it, so I’m like.. you all want something from me and now I’m too tired to do the things I want to do or too restless to chill so I can come back to myself and do something fun.
Lately I am not that fun myself actually, I’m not fun to be around I think. Guess that those pure and honest moodswings are easier to deal with althought it might not seem that way at first. I’m distant, eventhough I try to connect, often I just can’t. I complain a lot, I feel very irratable and easily criticized or attacked. Often I’m too serious or annoyed to laugh about jokes.. or I just don’t want to laugh because I feel like everything and everyone is fucking stupid. I’m becoming self centered as a defense mechanism, although I’m still doing things a lot like others want me to.. I just don’t show it. When I’m told what to do I become angry inside. So much for the submissive part as well as being little. Haven’t been able to feel little for the last few days, only a few short moments just slightly.. less pure and sparkly than before.. I’m losing my sex drive again. Often I’m irritated by touch or like.. things..
I guess that I’m being triggered a lot? Perhaps I feel powerless? Trying to keep some sense of control or something. Often I feel like things are just happening. Like I’m not behind the wheel right now. Like I’m just manoeuvring between all the things that are happening right now and all the things that people want from me. I’ve got no time or rest to retreat and isolate myself to be in my own world.
Lately when I give people around me one finger they grab my whole hand.. not everyone does that but quite a few people do and it’s making me really uncomfortable. I know that I need to set boundaries but people often demand of me that I make choices fast, that I answer questions now and decide on things as soon as possible but when it all goes so fast I don’t have enough time to sense where my boundaries actually are.. and then it’s annoying others that I can’t make simple choices.. I don’t sense my own wishes, needs or whatever anymore. So I really just don’t know, when I say that I don’t know.. when I don’t have an answer.. The restlessness doesn’t help.. I cannot ground myself. I do not eat, can’t sleep and become an agitated, ‘self centered’ and obsessed ice queen with no sex drive and no sense of humor. I quoted self centered because.. it’s not my intention and to me it doesn’t feel like I want to be self centered but everything is just too much already so I just cannot handle other people as well.
I’m going to try to sleep.. again… and work on making tomorrow a better day. Although, my home is pretty happy with all the work I did today.. I’m not even sure if there is anything left to do for tomorrows restlessness..
Oh and someone I followed on tumblr for the age regression posts just blocked me because I reblog some slightly nsfw stuff. 90% of my age regression is non sexual and the 10% that is sexual is mostly because I use little space as a way to handle and express emotions because otherwise I’ll be triggered all the time which means I’m dissociating my brains out or reliving traumatic events. Often I find that sfw age regressors are posting stuff like “you are valid when..” and then there is this whole list of genders, sexuality, the whole DSM-5.. and what not.. but oh.. DD/lg.. CG/L iewh..
The things is.. I don’t even do fucking sub things like “doing everything that Daddy says…”. Like a submissive/slave with kids clothing on just because it’s “hot”. I don’t know but.. there is nothing role play about mental/emotional age regression that just comes up as a coping mechanism and changes my whole sense of self and is a mindset that I can’t even decide on not to let happen or not. It was really unfair to me that everything is “valid” except me because.. being traumatized to the point of age regressing in order the not completely break away when having sex with my partner is something I’ve clearly chose for.. sure.. it’s not humiliating at all.. of course it’s all my own fault and choice.. because choices is something I’m so good at..