Okay, so I’ve got all these changes going on like I wrote in my last blog post. At times it really grabs me by the throat. We all know I love a thrill and excitment and new experiences though… euhm..
The last few days have been chaotic, literally but mostly have been mentally challenging for me. Moving just asks a lot of me and it’s not even me who is moving. Actually I think moving myself is easier for me than opening up my home to someone. I’m not having second thoughts but I just feel so much lately. In the little time that I’m alone I’ve been busy with the moving in my mind and making room in my home etc. I’ve noticed that I am really almost paranoid with changes in my apartment. When we moved my desk 90 degrees the vibe of the room was different, I’m still getting used to it. Another example, I took two paintings off the wall and that just mentally fucked me up, it was scary. Everything felt unreal all of a sudden. I’ve put them back and will change them when I’ve got something to replace them with. I know that I am sensitive with places and my living space in particular but I didn’t know it was this extreme.
It’s probably a combination of things.. not having enough time for myself, changes in my life and in my living space..
Yesterday was a really good day as in; I did a lot of things. My fp and I walked to my work together after having morning coffee. It was sunny outside 🙂 Then I worked 5 hours, the last hour was more busy because the colleague who was supposed to help me didn’t show up. Then I bought something from the store for home that I hoped my fp would like.
Straight after work I went to Bizarre Design with RopeMarks. Which is always super fun, we just connect really well. I think he’s my closest friend at this point. Aside from my sisters boyfriend but I consider him family. Most of my closest friends kind of lost me during summer or after and that still hasn’t been repaired or how do I say that.. my friends and I haven’t been able to find each other again. Maybe we just grew apart too much.
Anyway, it was really good to talk to RopeMarks and have a laugh. Also, he is one of the few people I really trust. (Which means that I split on him like once or twice a year instead of frequently.) It is also super fun to go to Jeroen again. It’s so great! The corsets and accessories he makes, absolutely outstanding! I also just really like Jeroen’s character so much. His energy is adjusting to others, like mine does as well. For me, working together all depends on wether I feel comfortable with someone or not.
Okay so we went there because Jeroen wanted to see some new armbinder dresses on a person, instead of a doll. Now am I a bit of both 😉 so that is always fun. I really love, love, love dressing up but being dressed up like a doll I love even more! Jeroen took my measurements and said he will make the outfit RopeMarks and I loved most in my size. Woaw! 🙂 Before we left, Jeroen asked me if I was interested in some more extreme outfits. Well, of course! I mean.. just really love challenges, mostly mental challenges, which is what bondage, to me, is all about. He had some really interesting ideas that were a lot about objectification, total control and being accessible. Which, I think is what most of my kinks are about. It can take years to create these outfits but I have time, I live nearby and am just totally willing to make time for Jeroen and go to the studio.
At some point in our conversations we ended up talking about being a kid from I think 4 until 8 years old, when your kinks and fetishes usually spark from experiences that have something sexual in them. And I was wondering, what happened, do I have such memories? There are aspects of it coming back to me lately. I will explain later..
Although it was fun last night I was home around 22:00 and didn’t had dinner yet or anything and I was just so tired. My fp picked me up from the trainstation so I didn’t have to walk home by myself. This morning he went to work for the morning shift.
Today I planned to go to my mom, I really wanted to go see her and re-charge there. Also wanted to see how my cat is doing now that he’s blind and I wanted to bring something home from my childhood that makes me feel good. But I texted her to say that I just need to recharge. I’ve been too busy with my fp moving in, work, taking care of my friends cat, mailing my father, going to friends. Now that I have time for myself, I’m too tired. I have time but I just can’t do it. Which sucks! My mom understood though, she said: you are just like me. I knew she would understand. She knows the feeling of being lived as well. It’s interesting that we always choose partners who in a way take control, are more dominant than us. One part of us likes to follow. We easily blend into other people, their energy, the way they do things. We try to find our way in other peoples structure. Sometimes it makes us the best friend in our live while we should have the lead role.
This brings back irritations from when I was a kid. I bet that for my mom it’s not different. When the family was still together, I felt overshadowed a lot. Like I said, my father and sister were more dominant and controlling, my mom was extremely protecting. They all have good hearts and meant well, I’m sure of it. However, it made me feel like I was stupid or something. I believed that there was something wrong with me and because I missed out on a lot of chances to explore life like other kids I did get a little behind and probably was younger mentally and emotionally than others of my age. I think that it’s still that way now. So I actually thought that there was something wrong with me and saw this reflected back to me, I was constantly confirmed in my believe. Which eventually made me really insecure about my own skills and eventually myself. Which has eventually grown into a disorder. However, it does make me really experienced in a few ways of submitting, not all of them though.
The irritations were that I didn’t have space to explore life on my own. Eventually I was contantly looking at my parents to see if what I did or did not do was okay. I still do that.. Adjusting to those around me all the time. Popping in and out of other peoples energy and the energy of the place that I am in. I think that made me become more sensitive over time. For example more sensitive to other peoples needs. As a kid I couldn’t talk about things the way that I can now, so I used my own energy and actions to adjust and adjust again, all the time. That is probably why I haven’t got a clear sense of self. The only way for me to really express myself was through my outfits (or through music), so I would always dress up in strange ways. My parents liked that so I had the space to do this and I think I was already searching for who I was because I didn’t had that many ways to find that out through other experiences. That’s probably why I still love dressing up 🙂 I like being dressed up by others but more as a kink than daily, that would take away my favorite way of self expression.
I think that I often have to be completely alone and do my own thing to recharge because I still pop in and out of the energy of others. I still let people overshadow me, to a degree. I let others decide on a lot of things and follow, that’s what I’ve learned, that’s what I know. It feels safe now and I’m good at it.
In my first relationship it went really far. I was 13 and my parents had just deforced and left us emotionally or literally because of their own pain. So my way to cope probably went through the roof. My ex could just hint towards something and I would do it, even if that hint was a slight change in his energy that I sensed and interpreted. It went far, like really far and it was really addictive to me. He decided on what we did, what I was wearing, who I hanged out with. When I wasn’t with him I was constantly in contact with him whenever I could and sticking to what he told me was right. If he would say, go sit there.. I would. Not asking for how long, not complaining about being cold, wanting to do something else or anything like that. Absolute submission. I think I’d probably almost pissed my pants in that chair. Luckely that never happened. At some point he had reached my limit in a certain situation and just ignored it, which turned everything sour and showed me what was really happening. Even after that I submitted. This way of being with each other lasted almost 2,5 years, during puberty.
So there is this mix of coping skills turning into kinks, it’s a grey area. I also remember being put over the knee and spanked as a punishment. I only remember this one time.. the humiliation of it was something sexual to me, so there is the spark of enjoying sexual humiliation. But maybe giving up complete control is humiliating to a lot of people as well. I don’t really see it that way until I have to do something that I don’t want to do but I just HAVE to do it because I must submit. Going against my submissive nature and deciding to do what I want makes me feel extremely guilty and scared, it can really upset me. That’s probably why I need to be alone sometimes too. There is no one to submit to and I realise now that often I don’t like to submit when I am alone. Especially when it takes all my time or a lot of my time because then my free time is taken over even when I’m alone. It’s something that eventually will drive me nuts because I’m just exhausted from being unable to recharge.
Sometimes I’m going into little space, even beyond my control. Maybe because it’s a coping skill too and I was just super tired. Like last night I was with my fp and something triggered my little mindset and what was most intense for me was the way my mind changed to this little mode beyond my control and I just started to talk like a kid, as that was just what I had become. In a way it surprised me that it was just happening.
As for the objectification fetish, well I think that’s quite clear now. Doesn’t matter what you make of me, a doll, furniture, an animal, a creature, something unnatural or perhaps even nothing but holes to fuck.. It’s all about adjusting to the needs of someone else and becoming this other thing. Since there isn’t such a clear core or sense of self in me it can be a relieve to become something for someone. Even if that is becoming a little girl instead of an object. I bet I could even do both at the same time. The becoming something else part fascinates me. It’s not even like acting. That means that you are yourself, playing something else. What I mean is being pure and only this other thing for someone else. The feeling of: I am this little girl now, I am an object now, I am a creature now.
I bet that I could go on for eons but I’ve got some more things to do before I can actually chill the fuck out. Lol I’m just thinking now.. I say that I don’t have a sense of who I am but sort of just described the way I am, which is funny 😛 Xx
Oooh I totally forgot! Next tuesday is my intake meeting for therapy.. aaaah more changes at the same time! The psychological examination is on april first (funnyyyy!), so I got a lot of forms to fill in with questions before tuesday. In order to do that I need to have some peace of mind..