Changes

Just want to start with: I’m so fucking tired!

There is a clear explanation for it. Changes.. More than I had anticipated. Of course the change of being in a relationship. The challenge of staying connected, being open and honest (that starts with to yourself), setting boundaries.. dealing with my borderline mind, triggers, dissociation.. oh oh.. I’m bumping into myself all the time.

The other thing that is a big change, is going to work again, at the store I mean. I’m still getting used to it. One week isn’t really a routine yet. After 3 weeks people usually have gotten used to a new situation or routine so got about 2 weeks to go. There is also the paperwork and checking in with social security and everything like that. Always hate that part.

Also a positive change (yet again.. change) is that lately I have better contact with my mother. I’ve opened up to her about my mental challenges and how that makes staying in contact difficult for me. But we share the same interest now, it helps, it’s the plants of course.

Last weekend I’ve had email contact with my father as well. He wrote me in a very healthy and positive way, so I’ve done the same – remembering what a relieve it was to open up to my mom.. I also opened up to my father about what’s going on in my life and my mind. Got a lot to process since our relationship was difficult.

Last but not least: this hermit is not only opening her heart.. but also her life and home to her fp. Yes you read that correctly.. home.. I never lived with anyone, since I was 16.. I’ve been sort of roaming, not feeling home where ever I went until I’ve lived with one of my best friends, that was 9 years ago. Which was more like a one year sleep over, whole other situation. Since then I’ve been living on my own. But now we’re talking moving in. So, aside from seeing this as something great as well as an experiment, since it is temporary.. I’m scared shitless. Sometimes life pushes you in a certain direction and I’m curious about that.

To add even more changes.. I had to make room in my home. Decluttering is something I really love and there were still some places in my home that I wanted to go through for some time now but just didn’t. It’s really refreshing to throw crap out of your house. Some stuff I gave away which also feels good. Of course the space I made will be filled with my fp’s stuff and I’m really curious about how that will be for me. So far I enjoyed it so I hope it will be like that also after he moved in and that chaotic phase is over.

These changes disrupt my sensitive soul but I’m still holding it together. Last week I’ve had days when I felt severely depressed. But last sunday I felt really good, normal thought pattern, a stable mood, a sense of self.. sort of.. and I felt really relaxed. That evening I was very restless and hyper and happy in a weird way. Yesterday I’ve been so restless I began to tire myself out. Also at work I was restless and talking a lot and cleaning the store and when I was home I went on decluttering and emailing my father and so on. Which causes me to be in and out of contact with myself and others.

Today I’ve been packing with my fp and all the changes sort of got to me and it made me feel scared and a bit lost. I’ve been in a little mindset for at least the whole afternoon because there was just so much going on and I’ve been processing everything. Also ‘adulting’ was too much. Better be pure anyway.

It was a really sunny day again so there is also this hyped spring vibe going on. People sometimes say, if you already think that you will get hypomanic again then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. On one hand I get that. On the other hand I’m thinking, please try to see it through my eyes. It’s been happening for years starting in the spring time as something seemingly innocent and then during summer it all blows up in my face. Even when I was on seroquel.. it just pushes through and when I went of meds it all exploded. I tend to proceed with caution as soon as the restless spring weather starts.

My moods are switching constantly and they are all over the map. My sense of self shifts frequently during the day, sometimes by the hour and with that the way I see others, my life, the world.. I’m in contact, then I’m distant. I feel in control, then I feel powerless and scared. I’m utterly obsessed or not interested in anything at all. I’m hyper active or I’m vegged out with depression. I feel hyper sensitive, unto the point of extreme irritation and feeling unable to process all the stimuli. Or I numb the fuck out and feel like I don’t even have a soul. I either feel like I stand firm with two feet on the ground, the next moment I feel like a ghost as life passes me by without me taking any part of it. One moment I feel secure the other moment I am paranoia as fuck and everybody is out to get me. One moment I am perfectly happy with my life, something triggers me and I want to die or at least harm myself. Do I need to go on?

Of course there are solutions to such things and I’ve been using a lot of coping skills lately. There are times though that I feel so good, why should I take a step back now? I finally feel alright.. It’s interesting that there is also this feeling of panic somewhere or a disbelieve.. distress is always just around the corner. Or that I feel so paranoid from the stress that comes with the changes that I become a distant, seemingly in control version of myself which is more like self-denial and a way of numbing the chaos inside. A mindset that can handle the stress but is suspicious of everyone and everything and is easily enraged, with an impulsively destructive streak. And ofcourse there is the more innocent little space mindset.

What my tips are to avoid getting into a hypomanic phase(again): creating a routine and maintaining it. Working on the same days, during the same hours every week. For me that is monday, wednesday and friday. Having a sleeping routine, like for example going to bed at 23:00 and waking up at 7:00. I’m still working on that but if the restlessness creeps in I really got to stick to it. Same with meals, at least 3 times a day, preferably on the same time every day. Resting a lot, taking breaks, taking a step back, some time to retreat and reset. For me that means one day I go to work, the next day I don’t have to work.

That’s the routine part, I bet most people don’t really think about that, maybe it comes natural to them. For me it is one of the most difficult things ever. Also because I’m so all over the place.. it becomes so fucking boring! I want excitement, changes, intensity, passion, raw and feral but without the routine stuff these things can really mess me up and trigger mania, amongst other things.

Aside from the routine part, there is the resting part. Taking time to reset, regroup, stabilize. Here it is important to set boundaries and stick to them. Doing one thing at a time. Taking a step back when you want to declutter your entire house like, yesterday.. Holding it in, saying okay I can do this part but then I need to take a break and stick to my routine and then I can do the next part. Regrouping is resting and grounding, taking care of yourself.

There are many ‘little’ things when it comes to grounding, that are more like details along the red lines; rest – routine. Like these: eating healthy and preferably warm, grounding foods; anything that comes out of the earth. It might sound woolly but from my experience: it works. Grounding to me is connecting with nature; plants and animals. So I take care of my plants now like I used to take care of wild birds when I still did the volunteer work at the bird shelter. Living by the seasons. Cooking and baking is a really productive way to ground and regroup, super homy. Exercise works well, from running to dancing to stomping on the ground even singing. In the end all that matters is that you activate your body and start to become aware of yourself, your breath, your muscles etc. You can also choose to have sex but since that can also be used as an escape it is often not the best option. I also like to go out for a walk because it combines being active with nature and some fresh air can be good as well. When I’m depressed or restless it’s difficult to actually go outside, that is also why it is so important.

This becomes difficult when you feel so good that it is as if you never had any mental challenges and everyone who tells you otherwise is an idiot or as your paranoic mind tells you; the enemy. Who needs routine anyway? Who has time to rest, there is so much to do that just cannot wait! I’m already late.

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