~ (Pun intended) ~
This morning I woke up alone but my fp slept here so I’m glad that we finally could see each other again. I did feel a bit weird though because it was so short, only to like sleep in no time and I don’t feel like I really got enough time to be with him and emotionally be there too. It’s hard to discribe. Luckely I see him again tonight. He had to leave really early so I slept in and woke up alone.
Noticed a few things.. when I share some little stuff on tumblr that is more nsfw content I really start to feel horrible in no time. It’s not just the content I share but mostly the nsfw content I come across when I’m on tumblr that fucks me up as well. Like really horrible and I just need to stop and do something else because I want to hurt myself and I noticed that after uploading such content there is always a lot of self harm content or creepy, dark and gore stuff after that. So I stopped tumblr and started my day and when I did my make up I thought well maybe I can just do a bit more again. Put my lashes on like I used to and just make it a bit more dark but cute little style with glitter so it could be fun. Oh my god, I was so wrong.
It wasn’t like, oh hm, let’s not do that or okay that didn’t work out so well. I felt so horrible. Just hated myself, just couldn’t stand it at all. After like toning it down it became managable. Why do I always have such extreme reactions to bullshit? Eugh.. I just wanted to surprise Daddy and feel happy about that. But I can’t, just wanted to slam my head into the mirror.
It’s not like I just don’t like what I see but I feel pure self hatred, disgust and want to hurt myself. All the plans I have for the day become to much. The voices start to drown me. Drained my energy and I feel weak and every cell in my body is screaming about how fucking uncomfortable we are.
When I think of it.. the outcome of this experiment isn’t surprising. Just wish it was different.
Let’s see if we can create something out of this darkness that will make me feel a bit better and for my plans.. well it will be doing what I can for now, even if that isn’t much today.