This is the third and last morning before work, for this week.. and I’m having a lot of difficult thoughts and feelings because I’m clearly processing a lot. About all the things I’ve done last summer but also things that happened when I was younger. Mostly sexual things so it’s not like it is always easy to talk about. And then I’m also really in love and at times hopelessly messed up because of it. Because most of my traumatic events happened in relationships and many of them are sexual you can imagine that I’m triggered frequently.
Most of the time I’m feeling really disgusted with myself and anythings sexual. It can make me feel ashamed, guilty or disgusting. So I try to avoid everything but the memories come up so I can never really hide. During the summer I went all out with the I’m a proud slut and in control energy. Something changed in me and now it is really hard for me to accept what I have done. Because I thrived on being sexually objectified and all the compliments and attention from often the wrong people, while fading out the rest of me. While ignoring my boundaries and the boundaries of other people. I didn’t feel shame or guilt but that doesn’t mean that it wasn’t there. It was just buried and now it’s coming back from the death and it’s back stabbing me. Now I’m feeling stabbed, trying to crawl away from it before I get buried along with it. Also, I’m angry because people only seem to want to me for one thing but I’ve helped create that situation. Simply because I wanted to feel in control, since.. so often I haven’t been in control and even before I started to have sex I learned that if I gave that it would keep my boyfriends from leaving me. So sex was always a tool, instead of something to enjoy myself. So it is terrifying me that now I am so shut down and non-sexual most of the time because I’m afraid that I will be left behind. Often I’m dissociating and gone or just difficult and then I think, I’m be left soon for someone who isn’t this difficult. That’s how it’s always been.
Opening up to love has some consequences for me I guess. You want to open up? Okay, here is all the crap you tried to block out and have been running away from all these years! Ha Ha!
Sometimes my own sexuality peaks through and on one hand I’m happy because that means that I still got it but at the same time I’m terrified, disgusted and ashamed. It makes me feel so guilty, like I’m doing something wrong. I’ve accepted that I have some weird sexual preferences, like enjoying to be in little space and being childlike while actually also being a slut with a dirty mind and a lover of quite extreme kinks. The fact that I am actually getting older really makes me feel so horrible and insecure and gross. One of my therapist used to say that I have an eating disorder because I don’t want to grow up. He could be right.
I’ve learned how to disconnect and use sex as a tool, as work.. to have control over the situation. It was never really intimate. I was just a sexual object, a doll without feelings. A sexual slave I guess. So that was what I was good at and eventually I learned how to make a connection through being submissive, instead of the deeper, more complete connection. You could have fun with me, my body, my skills but for someone who wanted more.. well you just bumped onto a really thick stone wall with behind that.. buried feelings and emptiness.
Now I do connect and that gives me and my Daddy a lot of enjoyment but I haven’t really been able to stay connected when I want to get into the kinks and the other stuff I liked to do before. I hope that eventually everything will come together and that I can let go of all these negative feelings that make me so insecure and upset. In the past a therapist used EMDR on me to process traumatic memories. All I remember is that I didn’t really feel much when I had to talk about it because I disconnected or I didn’t spoke about the details that bothered me the most. Also during the last session my therapist told me that whenever she asked me to follow her finger my eyes would move into the opposite direction. Isn’t that the weirdest thing? I felt that something was different but I didn’t know. Maybe if I go in therapy again some day we can try again.