Want to write something now because I’m out of the darkness for a moment and I have been writing so much while being deep into that black pit..
Work went well yesterday. My colleagues and costumers were friendly.. I was friendly and calm.. that helps. Best to remember that work can make me feel better when I am depressed. For next time when I am down and don’t feel like going. Maybe that is one mental struggle less..
At work I often have like famous Dutch people as customers, because the store is so hip and happening (and everything is fucking expensive.. but the products are actually really good too) In the beginning that was more interesting to me but now I’m more like.. I see you, not just what you have created on tv and it always makes me think of the difficulties that being well known causes, the burden instead of just seeing the fun stuff. Why I am mentioning it now is because I wrote in one of my last posts that usually people stare at my nose ring. Kids ask about it. This time this famous person came to the store with his little girl and she ask me about it. She asked: what is that in your nose? So I answered: that is a nose ring. Then she asked why I had it. My thoughts went: I have it as a sign of sexual slavery and use it as a tool in bondage. So I stared at them silently for a second holding in my thoughts and said: because I think it’s beautiful. So her father asked her: do you think it is beautiful? And she was thinking for a moment too: yes it’s beautiful. I finished checking them out and then the girls father said: by the way I think it’s beautiful too 🙂
So that was fun. Also I had again 2 or 3 customers welcoming me back. Just like on my first working day. I also saw some customers that used to make me a bit nervous. There was one woman in the store and I recognised her and my thoughts went: her mom has made a scene in the store about my nose ring and called me a cow. That was before I went to do a hucow video.. and it wasn’t fun. I was really awkward because there was a que.. oh well.
After work I was really happy and wanted to call my fp because I’ve been so down and depressed lately, I want to be in contact when I am feeling good because I think that is as much as a relieve for me as for those around me. But he wasn’t available and soon it went down hill with the darkness creeping in and the paranoia and splitting… and so on. Luckely I had made plans to go to my sisters boyfriend. At least we can be depressed together. He’s at home because of it too. We started watching Bates Motel, I love that psycho creepy stuff 🙂
That was fun but there was still the splitting and depression. What troubles me most lately is that I’m becoming increasingly suspicious and the trust issues.. they are even more severe than my fear of abandonment. I know these two are connected but there is a difference. I can’t really find out how it is different but that’s okay. I’ve been splitting a lot, also on my fp and yesterday also my mom. Like.. my mom. Because she didn’t seem to have time for me but when it was too late to go to her by train and stuff she said that I was always welcome and I thought.. seriously? You are doing this on purpose. That says more about how fucked up I am.. When you have become my favorite person.. you get that all the time. It usually ruins everything. I’m so aware of it. Then there is the fear of abandonment: no one will ever be able to stay with you because you’re too difficult and only drag others down with you.
This morning I was in the depths of hell but eventually my fp called me and I sort of came out of my bubble. There are no windows in hell you know.. there’s no world outside the pit.. or so it seems. It was difficult to stay in contact or make contact because of the trust issues and isolation. That’s really one of the most difficult things for me right now.
The good thing is that I went out of bed and checked all the plants inside my home. I’ve moved my ‘sleeping’ orchids from the bedroom to the living room because they seemed to be a little bit cold there. Two leafs turned yellow and fell off. The room has single glass windows. I hope they feel better soon. I’ve put them in a bath too..
Oeeh figured out how to make a gallery. Anyway.. I’m growing babies! 😀 As long as it’s not inside of me then it’s okay 😛 I’m not sure which seeds are growing though, I’ve got a few different things going on..
Last but not least.. this is one of the two philea plants I got from my mom a while ago. You can see the really lift leafs. The whole plant used to be light like that because of light damage. I’ve put the plants on darker spots, as you can see this one is behind another plant. The leafs are supposed to be dark and leathery like the leafs or my pride and joy. The three leafs in the middle have become darker so the strategy is working! Yay!
So that is it for now. Focusing on my plants and trying to stay in contact seems to work.