This morning I have been so deeply depressed. On one hand it’s like crippling, paralyzing depression. On the other hand there were all the borderline feelings, that sensitivity that makes me feel triggered almost without a reason. A glance in the wrong way, a difference in attitude, a change of plans, not noticing something or noticing something.. just anything. With that extreme fear of abandonment, makes life such a party. The first thing my fp said to me was that he had to leave earlier than I expected too, which set a nice tone for the rest of the morning. This week I hardly even see him because he’s with his kids and they have school holidays. Which in itself is already a trigger for me, how horrible that might sound. I really wish it wasn’t but I need to acknowledge my triggers to be able to work on my responses to them.
So then I got into a mood and that’s not just oh I don’t feel so great. It means that I know that I am in a mood but I cannot get out of it. I know that I behave like a angry little kid but breaking through and changing my behavior is really difficult. I kept thinking about how little time we have together this week and now I’m being just lying here being depressed and upset.
The fear of abandoment that I feel is increasing. I’ve been noticing it for some time now. Dealing with it is becoming more difficult. Which means that I become more paranoia, more jealous and stressed because of that. It makes my insecurities worse. It makes the identity disturbance worse. It starts to causes me to split more frequently and it’s difficult for me to switch back to a rational way of thinking. Sometimes it makes me want to pull back out of the contact, emotionally I do that really often. Actually I want the opposite but I’m too afraid. Then I start to feel like I don’t want to live anymore and I start to become self destructive at times or suicidal but I’m still here.. it’s probably more a way of expressing myself than being a real danger. That sounds stupid, I know. I mean, it’s not that I just want attention, I actually feel that way.. in that moment. Seeing it as a symptom or an expression of my disorder makes it a bit easier to talk about it. It makes it possible to step out of that suicidal thought pattern and look at what is happening. Then we can just go get a cup of coffee and talk about it. How suicidal are you today? Instead of: oh my god, don’t ever do that! Closing the door because ‘it is wrong’.
That’s what I also need to learn when it comes to being all paranoia and jealous and splitting my brains out. That is just so much more difficult. It’s easier for me to say that I want to die and talk about what happens inside me when I am suicidal.. than to talk about my insecurities. Acknowledging that I am jealous and that I get paranoia about the littlest things. That’s so humiliating.
Such a side path, sorry ‘bout that.
At some point I could snap out of the darkness for a bit and tried to reconnect. A little while later I was depressed again and thought, what if I would let myself get fucked by 10 strangers to not feel this pain anymore.. I know that it would help… so that’s another mindset there.. come to the darkness we have cookies.
My fp could convince me to come outside until we had to go our separate ways. When I walked back home I tried to look for some cheap as fun little stuff to make myself a bit happier. I had only like.. a few bucks so I had to be creative and tried to enjoy the search.
At this point I felt upset about almost anything. Not seeing my fp, remembering all the triggers that scared me. Just didn’t feel comfortable in my own skin at all. I mean I can see a girl walk past me on the street and something about her could trigger my insecurities and I can feel like I am being abandoned by my fp while he’s not even with me. This just goes way too far, I know. I’m sick and tired of it too and it can make me really angry.
I’m also really upset inside about my little space, the need of it. How stupid it makes me feel sometimes. It’s all getting so messy inside my mind. So I was thinking, maybe I should dress up again like I used to. Make pictures and stuff, for fun. But everything that reminds me of sex and flirting and kink just gives me mixed feelings. So I ended up writing again. All the things I loved disgust me. Fucking great. I don’t know how to get out of this anymore.
Music: Pure Shores – All Saints (90’s playlist)
My insecurities and fear of abandonment are so intense, it makes me dissociate.. :S