Yesterday my fp brought me to the store for my first working day. He put pigtails in my hair in the morning, I’m not allowed to wear it loose at work. The whole morning I had been nervous and restless and I didn’t really feel like myself.. for as far as I know what that even means. Anyway, the first few hours at work I was feeling really afraid of failing. People were nice to me, my colleagues and the customers. It wasn’t really crowded because of the school holidays. Mostly parents with little kids, the kids often ask about my nose ring which is a bit humiliating. Adults often look at it and I pretend that I don’t see them stare. If people look at me in a way that I don’t understand or probably even in a neutral way it feels like they hate me. That’s just me being a basic borderliner.
Halfway during my shift I started to feel disgusted with going back into society. People hate me and I hate them, we don’t understand each other. It’s when I start to feel like an alien. I know that I’m different and I bet that if people can sense that I’m usually a nice and understand person, they probably also sense that somethings seriously off about me.. and it’s true. That combined with the fact that I am over-sensitive to everything inside me and around me makes me want to get the hell out of there before I implode while having a panic attack. At this point I really wanted to go back to my safe cave and just escape from the world. I don’t like society and society doesn’t like me either. Iewl. Maybe I’m too strange, too old for pigtails, not goth enough for huge nose rings.. what the fuck is happening?
It’s not hard for me to understand why I went away last spring and disconnected. I either feel everything at once x1000 or nothing at all. Nothing at all is an easier way for me to go through the world. Eventually I started feel more comfortable at work, I guess I sort of accepted being there, having to be in contact with people.. Iewl.
After work I roamed in the city a bit, didn’t want to go home yet. Then met with my sisters boyfriend, she was out so I asked him to come over for dinner. It was good that I could vent about my day at work and that I wasn’t alone. After dinner we looked up our favorite old tv shows on youtube, singing along all the intro songs. He didn’t stay long because I was really tired and I really needed to slip into little space a bit more. Took some time to take care of myself. Then this babygirl curled up in bed singing along Disney songs. I tried to sleep but I couldn’t help waiting for my fp to come back home from the evening shift and be my Daddy.
Music: Blurry – Puddle of Mudd (from my 90’s hits playlist)