The emptiness I feel everyday made space for such deep sadness. This morning I woke up with it and it clings to me.. whatever I do. It’s a nostalgic feeling. That I try to hold on to through going into little space. Which at times is a relieve but at the same time it hurts like hell. Because it is a fantasy. It’s taken from me. I’ve never been able to just be a happy kid, with healthy connections with my parents and gradually letting go of my childhood. The worst thing is.. this fucked me up all through my teenage years and I’m still too broken to function. For the first time I’m making a connection or am trying to.. but it’s so painfull I can hardly stand it.
The fear of abandonment is driving me insane. I feel everything so intensly it feels like I’m burning inside until I turn cold and go numb. If you ever burned yourself you know what I’m talking about. This fear makes me go on an emotional rollercoaster, paranoia and sickening jealousy blurs my mind until I don’t know what is real anymore, so I just end up splitting like crazy. This all happens in seconds. Feelings change rapidly. Splitting back and forth. I need to stay silent as I’m imploding because my words would be deeply damaging. If I’d disconnect and explode I sure as hell will tear everything apart. The guilt would kill me and I sure would turn against myself.
Some confessions I am so aware of that are caused by my past and the pain I feel.. When I see kids I usually hate them because I actually envy them. I get jealous when I see fathers with their daughters, so much that I just need to get away. It seems to be impossible for me to have a normal relationship. So I’m trying to do things differently but even that is so fucking painfull I can hardly stand it. When I’m without my fp I feel deeply depressed, alone, lost, disconnected.. Also I will never have children because I would go crazy from the pain inside, the jealousy.. knowing this hurts. Some people make jokes about daddy-issues or see it just as something kinky but this really fucks up my life. There is nothing fun about fighting suicidal thoughts and having a complex post traumatic stress disorder. I’ve been re-traumatizing for years because I was looking for a father figure who eventually just wanted to use me.
I’m so tired of everything. My little space feels unsafe. I probably cannot be with other littles even if I wanted to. Often I’m getting upset with myself. I dress up little and see myself.. I’m an adult and I look like a fucking idiot. The self hatred buries me alive.
In a few years I’m 30.. and my issues are so fucking present. Sometimes I try to believe something will be different. One day. But it’s not. I’m a fool believing that this will ever change. I am either not enough or too much. This ruins my life.
I cannot stand the pain of being in love but I don’t want to give up. So often I want to stop living because being alive hurts and I don’t think it’s just because of the world around me. It’s me. I ruin everything eventually. I’ve tried.. and tried again. I’m starting to feel like I’m done trying. Not even in a panic kind of way. More of a calm awareness that this pain is never ending. This is not a definite solution to a temporary situatiom, because this isn’t temporary.