Today I’m spending some time going through all my photo’s from the photoshoots that I’ve done in the last two years. I haven’t been able to really look at those pictures for a long time. It’s interesting because I find different things beautiful now than during last summer. There are so many sides of me photographed it’s overwhelming me a little bit because my sense of identity is so disrupted. It can be confusing. I think everyone sees something different in the photo’s.
There was a time when I found all the really extreme stuff beautiful and I really craved pain and seeing it reflected back to me. There was a time when I only wanted to see the emptiness inside myself. Which I would call being a doll or a bimbofied object. Which actually meant that I wanted to fade myself out or that I was using it as a way to dissociate from everything I didn’t want to feel. On some pictures I see the little girl in me, who I use to also run away from all the shame and guilt, wanting to be innocent again. But now I wonder, who’s underneath all that. Or perhaps I inhibit all of that and I wonder.. is there a core? Maybe the fact that there isn’t a clear core inside me, makes it possible for me to transform myself so easily in all these different things.
When I look at the changes I went through.. On my oldest photo’s I see a lot of heavy pressure on my shoulders as I try to find my own way. There was also something innocent back then that I seem to lose when I let go of the pressure and in that escape I completely lose myself over time. Doing all these extreme things trying to escape from something. So I’m looking again now to find out where I am underneath all that. Underneath all the extreme things.. the little girl, the bimbo doll, the object, the whore, the porn actress.. underneath the pain and sadness and the weight of the world.
And I wonder, why did I do all that? To find myself? Now that I’ve been through everything, have I gotten any wiser? Do I know myself now?
I have so many pictures just left here on my computer but I’m not on social media anymore besides my blog but I wonder.. If I were using social media now, what would I share? Social media platforms are windows that show the world only what we want the world to see. I wanted the world to see something pure and real and oh my how far have I gone from that dream. Or haven’t I? At least I’ve shown online the world that I lived in for months. That doesn’t mean that it was real because I lose myself and live in dreams. If it’s all inside your head, does that mean that it’s not real?