The last few days have been difficult sometimes but also good. There was some crisis this weekend and on monday. Since then it has been a challenge but the crisis is over.
When I’m in a crisis it is like I’m in another dimension, I’m in my own world. Like when you are really depressed or when you are dissociating or having a panic attack. (More like all of those at the same time :S) All those things do a lot to the way you percieve everything and everyone around you and even yourself. My emotions are really extreme and it starts to feel like there is no way out. All you want is to make the pain stop. So it’s a constant battle with myself to make the best decisions possible.
An ex of mine used to say “I want you to become the best version of yourself” but he also said “if you cut yourself I’ll leave you”. What makes me think: what if the way I am now, with all the difficulties, is the best that I can be right now? It always made me really upset that people would say “be yourself” or “I accept you the way you are” but then also say “I don’t want you to do this and that”.
The fact that I’m going through a crisis (perhaps about something that other people don’t understand) or that I’ve hurt myself, doesn’t mean that I’m not trying. It’s not like, oh I got diagnosed so I can do anything I want now and blame it on the label. Hurting yourself isn’t easy like that. It’s going through natures primal instinct of surviving. For example: ever tried to hold your finger under too hot water. What does your body do? What makes the difference between hot water and too hot water? You know that it will be painfull but you are still feeling like those few minutes or even seconds of relieve are worth it because the pain your in is unbearable. Usually the point of actually doing it comes after sometimes days or weeks of thinking about it. Seeing visions of it. Remembering the other times you did it. Trying to get it out of your mind, move on, redirecting your thoughts. During the crisis there can be voices too. That in combination with percieving your life as falling apart completely.. Conclusion: the pain has to stop.
There can be stress and restlessness, making you impulsive and do stupid things because you want to escape and don’t want to see the consequences. Usually you just don’t want to feel what you are feeling. It can even be emptiness or loneliness.. It can also be anger or wanting to punish someone who made you feel horrible in the past. You do this to me? I can do it to you too. Or, you don’t take me seriously? I’ll give you something to be serious about.
Then there is the fear of being abandoned, that I don’t want to feel and try to escape from but the harmfull things I use to cope with that often drives other people away. So it becomes this cycle. All my mind is repeating is “I’ll break up with you if you cut yourself” and I’m feeling that intense anger pointed at me and hear him screaming again. Great.. And we’re off. I’m either dissociating completely by then or splitting like hell.. (or both?) splitting is a bit like awaking the demon inside you and let it destroy everything it gets it’s filthy claws on. Actually I think it’s like a cornered cat. Kicking, screaming, swearing.. as long as you go away so I can get out of this corner. When I split I can also become super distant, silent and paranoia.. so I keep testing if someone is lying to me or not. It can feel like the whole world is out to get me. Everybody hates me. They are looking angry at me, they must hate me.. and so on. And then of course… if they do hate me, they will leave me.. so I will push them away first. Or I push them away because I am convinced they are dangerous. And this can happen with anyone, even someone who I have been friends with for ages..
Now for the better part of this blog post.. what I did differently this time 🙂
This time I tried my best to deal with my impulses, the urges to split, to cut, to dissociate. That doesn’t mean that it didn’t happen at all. I just mean that I could have exploded but I didn’t. It could have been worse. This time I tried to think of the consequences. Is pushing really what I want in the long run? Also, I know what will happen when I go bezerk and I’m curious to find out what will happen if I try another approach. I cannot explain how difficult it is to think like that when your world is burning. After this there will only be an empty and black scorched world.. who gives a shit about a future like that? Everything feels ruined anyway. Since I was still paranoia I decided to observe. Just wait a little while to see what would happen and trying to keep a safe distance while not pushing away. To stay open for conversation. Talk also when it is super difficult. Stop the conversation when emotions start to rise too much and talk some more later. It has taken me a few days to say everything I had to say. Everything just triggered me in the beginning, now it still does but it is less invasive. It still hurts but it’s not overwhelming and if it does hurt too much then I need to speak up and take some time to recover.
So I used observing, talking, taking time for myself, distracting with positive things. It’s difficult for me to set boundaries and it’s difficult to find out what I need, tell those around me or ask for help. I’ve let my group of friends, my network, help me and be there for me. Instead of isolating and ignoring the whole world while fighting myself because I don’t want to feel like a burden. I see now that my friends and family actually want to be there for me.
One thing that really helped me a lot was switching between moods and states of mind. I know I do that naturally but now I’m starting to use that coping skill also in a controlled way. For example I use mental age regression. Or how people in the kink scene call it: going into little space. That doesn’t mean that I am like a kid completely, it’s just using helpfull aspects of being a kid and using that to cope with what’s happening in my life. Feeling little makes me feel younger of course. There are less troubles in the world because all the difficult adult stuff subsides. The weight of the world is lifted from my shoulders. I’ve also found out that when I’m in a crisis I don’t feel little at all, I just can’t. When I’m not in a crisis anymore I naturally slip into a little mindset because I’m actually exhausted. It’s also easier for me to connect with my fp when I’m little and it is easier to feel and process emotions when I’m little. I can feel really scared, I might even cry but I can also be energetic all of a sudden and happy and jumpy and run into my fp’s arms while calling him Daddy. It’s like I almost forget that I’ve been down and depressed a minute ago and I’m smiling and saying I love you, I love you, I love you! 🙂 Sometimes that happens without my control, sometimes it is triggered by something or I trigger that mindset because I need some time to breathe. It’s almost like a split personality or alter but it’s so pure and real to me. When I’m relaxed, feel safe and free to be myself I age regress and I’m totally fine with it.
I’ve also noticed that my kinky mind is awakening again a little bit. It’s difficult after this weekend and of course after last summer but it’s still there. It is just different than before. Like the whole barbie bimbo doll stuff, it is parked for now. It’s to painfull to go there at the moment. But being little is also kinky and I’m so happy that my Daddy likes it as much as I do. We went to the city a few days ago and were looking in some outlet where I found a beautiful red gymnastic bodysuit. That just sparked something in me like.. I don’t even know how to do gymnastics but it gave me this little girl vibe. And I thought: wow I still got it 🙂 Eventhough I usually age regress to being even younger than being able to do sports but the best thing about being little is that you’re not stuck at a certain age unless you want to. There are things about being little that I don’t like, which I can just leave out. When some things don’t match because they are aspects from different ages it just doesn’t matter because the only thing that matters is how it makes you feel. There are no rules, there is no wrong or right way to be little or experience kink in general. I just love bodysuit onepieces and running around the house in them 🙂 Wether I cuddle with Daddy, take care of my plants, sleep with my stuffed animal or sing along with Disney songs while doing boring chores.
And I’m so happy that I can tell my Daddy everything and that he enjoys my little space just as much and is encouraging me to be myself and just explore this together. It’s fun to be able to go outside or go to the city and be able to express my little side. Being able to say what I like, what I find cute or whatever. Or even say things like: “I wish I wasn’t too big for that”, to be able to express a desire or the feeling of grieve that I feel when I’m confronted with the fact that I’m actually an adult and can’t do all the things that I would love to do because I’m not a kid anymore.
In past relationships I’ve been age regressing too but they just couldn’t come with me and connect with me in that mindset. So often I just did that secretly or not as much as I was craving for. Which made me feel super lonely and like I was doing something wrong or bad or as if I am too crazy. With that “Be yourself but not like that” vibe going on. Also my Daddy didn’t scream at me after I had cut myself, we just talked about it and although it’s best that it doesn’t happen again.. we both also find it beautiful. Now I don’t have to feel like I’m crazy because I find this beautiful. There is something feeling a bit wrong about being little and there is something feeling a bit wrong about my scars.. but maybe that’s just the thing we like about it. Besides the fact that it is pure and real. And I’m happy with being so intense, having such moodswings and all that because at least it can only make me as pure as I can be and I don’t want to change that for anything in the world.
Maybe I will add some photo’s later 🙂 but here’s the music I’m listening to rn.