The night has been long. I’m not sure if I have slept a bit at all.
I feel like I can’t write about it so well like in other blog posts. It’s so much that it will be bits and pieces.
This weekend was difficult. Luckely I was with my mom. We went outside and saw beautiful spring flowers like these.
My mom and stepdad are doing well and I realised that my mind can become so negative towards people that I don’t see often. I don’t feel connected with people if they are not physically present. Even if they are present then it’s so difficult to connect.
My mom and I finally had a good conversation about the summer.. she had noticed I was different.
This weekend my fp would be busy so I planned to stay with my mom till sunday. Then he said: can I come over on saturday. So I almost changed my plans entirely but then I thought, is this good for me? So I decided to stay with my mom. It was really difficult. Making that decision took me hours and conversation and reassurance. Afterwards I was feeling really guilty like I did something wrong.
My fp went to people I don’t know, for some coffee. I’ve been obsessing in my mind trying not to drown in paranoia. These thoughts of mine.. they are killing me. I was glad that he went there when I was at my moms. I wouldn’t have made it through if I would have been at home alone.
I kept telling myself, it’s all in your head. Don’t be stupid. It’s just coffee. Come on try to trust someone for once. Give him a chance. And repeating this to myself. You are paranoia because you are scared.
But my body still is all up in knots and I have this stone where my chest is.
The worst thing was.. It wasn’t just in my head. I was right all along.
The next day I found out that my cat has become blind. He was so scared, searching, trying to find his way. And I’m scared that something will happen. That he will die in an accident. He’s 15 years old, I’ve had him since the devorce of my parents. He’s so lost now.
I’ve been fighting the urge to split on my fp since saturday. My mind wasn’t making it easy on me. From saturday morning it’s been telling me that he’s doing this to punish me. That they are just laughing at me. That they just fooled me. Coffee.. come on. I’m so naieve. How could I be so stupid?
I wasn’t ready for this, not yet. It isn’t summer alright? I’m scared, sensitive and paranoia as fuck.
I’ve been fighting the urges to split. I’ve been on the edge of exploding. Slamming that door and locking it. I’ve had so many twisted thoughts. They are fucking killing me. I want out.
I’ve kept it all in. Stayed rational. Open for conversation. It felt like I had to be someone else. I felt different. Sharper, wiser, older. Like I had everything together. While inside I was crumbling and falling apart. My identity is so shattered. Often I can only be one piece at a time. I’ve been distand but I haven’t started a fight. I didn’t lose control, not then. I don’t want anyone to see that again.
Last night I started drinking wine. Trying to numb myself a bit so I wouldn’t explode. Eventually I sort of passed out on the couch, feeling sick and tired. I couldn’t sleep though.
Lying awake with these thoughts of mine. Driving me insane. I hadn’t really been alone all weekend. Until then. I just exploded inside. Tried to numb the fuck out by drinking the rest of the wine out of the bottle but it didn’t work at all. So finally I went back to what I know will work. This morning I saw that I’ve cut up my arm and my leg. I guess it was easier to cut my leg because the skin on my arms are so damaged already. It’s not tight enough anymore because of all the scar tissue. This time I wasn’t numb, the cutting was painfull. But it was a relieve too.
And now I’m showing the symptoms that people can not wrap their head around. This is the.. ‘ok, you are too crazy’ part. (Always remember, no one is telling you that you have to read my crazy blog. You are here by your own choice. No one needs your opinion. I’m not writing this for anyone other than myself) How do you think I feel afterwards. Oh, I’m really there again. It’s shamefull. It’s a part of my life since I was 12 or 13. What do you think I’m running away from when I’m hypomanic. I shouldn’t have opened up. I should’ve stayed away.
Now I’m disconnected again. On my own little island. I’m numb. Sometimes I see pictures in my head. They activate the voices. The paranoia in me. And I feel everything at once. I cannot stand being touched anymore. I’m so triggered.
– D i s s o c i a t e
No other options. I’m trying to stay connected but I’m slipping away even more when I do connect. It’s too painfull. I wasn’t ready for this. I don’t know what is real anymore.