There is no hope left in me. I’m in and out of crisis. My past just keeps happening over and over again and this time it’s not in my head. My fears become real and there is nothing I can do about it. I’m waking up from this dream and I’m like fuck, have I been idealizing again. My whole world is on fire. I never thought that I would be here again. That I would be hurt like this again. That again, I don’t see how the future would be any different than the past. I cannot be in relationships I just can’t. It’s too painful. I have to write a paper about how my escort work is going and I just know that I can’t do this anymore. These phases are killing me, these thoughts I have now are killing me, these feelings are killing me. I can’t do this anymore. I’ve been banging my head against the wall crying like, please make it stop, make it stop. But it never does and never will. It’s hopeless. And that’s not just because of my mind. What you said and do are two different things, I cannot trust anyone again. Don’t say it’s just me and my mind, this time it isn’t. I just can’t do it. I never want anyone to touch me ever again, I don’t even want to touch myself. The thoughts won’t stop. I’m a burden. You’ll see it, I’m not worth the trouble. You’ll see. I get it now. I’m glad I know now. This was all a fucking dream. How could I be so stupid. I don’t want to be here anymore. I can see this ending, this is over soon.