Company

A friend who I know from primary school came over this afternoon. So I wasn’t alone going through crisis all the time. We talked, I talked so much, like a whole wave of never ending stories came out. What mostly helped was not being alone with my thoughts and I just could say anything.

I just couldn’t stop talking most of the time. But I felt a lot of physical things like nervous feelings, sometimes a bit like everything was fake or dreamy. So I must have been a bit dissociative. And I felt really warm or like.. hot and cold at the same time and sometimes I felt my heart pounding really fast like I was on drugs. I have this nervous feeling in my stomach too. Works great with my nervous ticks. But over all I did slowly start to feel better because I was distracted from my negative thoughts.

When he left he gave me a hug and I felt this scared shock going through me. I have that a lot lately when people just touch me in a friendly way. It’s a bit distant of me. I’m standing there frozen like *aaaah!* but mentally I know it is alright. I know he deserved a hug back because he was there for me but I couldn’t. Physical contact with people.. Aaaaahh!! I need it but noooo.. Nope. Can’t process this, aaah! Oh well, my friends probably know this of me by now.

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