Riverside

The meeting I had today was really nice, it was good to see my colleagues again. Most of the time it was difficult for me to stay in the moment. Sometimes I felt like I would get a panic attack because I’m overwhelmed by all the stimulation and I don’t want to let it show. Managed to control it though. When we left and walked outside before going our separate ways, I did feel a bit better, remembering the fun times we had and the connection I felt with them. Maybe, when I get better I’d like to go work with her again, just for fun. Because I used to get a kick out of my work. I just don’t want to lose myself again.

It was good to be outside, although it is super intense and it was good to be in Amsterdam because I don’t go anywhere most of the time. Just staying in and near my home. So there is never the excitement of something different, there is never any real inspiration. It sucks to admit that going outside is good for me because also I want to stay in my safe little bubble and don’t face the world. The only remedy against depression is going against the feelings you have and go wake up on time, eat, go outside, meet people, do something new, get inspired. Writing this will so be used against me at some point.. eugh… Anyway my colleagues asked me to come over some time or if I want to meet for a drink or whatever then I just have to call them. They even asked if I’d like to join them on holiday some time. Such sweet people, guess they really like me. So people actually do like me, at times that is really difficult for me to understand. Realizing that the voices in my head aren’t reality.

What might help is a group I found out about online.. there is a self help group for people with borderline in the city I grew up in. So I don’t even have to go to a new city. I’m really interested in going there because being wired differently than most people can feel really lonely sometimes. It’s also near my mom so I could go and see her or meet my friend who lives there. Last time I went by her work to give her a hug. And I could go to all the places that I remember from when I was younger, from the good memories. But most of all.. see my mom more often. The group could be helpfull, especially because it can take a long time before therapy starts. I’m not even sure if it will start. The group is once every 2 weeks, it’s for people with borderline, dissociative identity disorder and post traumatic stress disorder. Probably because in a way they all fall under the same group of mental disorders and overlap a lot. Some people say they are super different but I think at least in those disorders.. they all have to do with trauma that causes dissociation. One of my biggest issues right now. There is a second group and they are every 2 weeks. Can hardly wait to meet people there who are in a way just as mentally fucked up as I am and I don’t feel like such an alien.

Was listening to the Dutch top 2000 playlist on spotify, to hear something that I normally don’t listen to or some songs that I love that I haven’t heared in ages. Because when I choose the music then it’s very depressing most of the time. And then I found out about Anges Obel because she was in the playlist and her music is just exactly the kind of music that I like to listen to. Slightly depressing of course.

Today I felt more connected with my fp, that was such a relieve, especially because I didn’t feel connected with anything around me nor myself. Also nice to not be in such an irritated, I find that mindset one of the most difficult to deal with. Being disconnected from the world around me sucks but feeling no connection with my fp is just the worst feeling ever. I’m really happy I feel it again and I hope it will still be like that when I see him tonight. So connection, don’t leave!!! Grrr!!!

Later I think my sisters boyfriend is coming over for coffee and the rest of the time I’ll probably be resting because today was a lot to process already.

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