Last weekend has been a challenge. On saturday I’ve been inside and really depressed, starving and hurting myself just a horrible day.
Then on sunday I was making more contact again. My best friend came over we went outside a lot. The weather was really nice, it felt like spring was coming already. The starvation was still a problem though. There is such an easy solution to it.. eating. How can such a basic need be such a challenge. Probably just me focusing on the physical emptiness instead of my depression. When we came back to my place around dinner time my friend left, I was super tired from being outside, being around people. When I was outside I even was thinking of my couch.. not that I didn’t had a good time or that the weather sucked or something like that. It’s just my safe place. When my friend left I did make dinner for myself and I was actually surprised that is was really good. Physically I did feel better of course..
But then the depression just hit me like a train. It was super overwhelming. Finally after the weekend my fp came over and normally I live up when I see him but this time I was just lying there caught inside this dark depressive cloud that coloured everything. When my fp tried to be there for me I percieved his words as negative and I was walking the wire trying my best to fight against the urges to split. When he wanted to hold me I was flinching because I was scared and probably triggered or in any way projecting my past on him. I couldn’t feel a connection with him either. Inside I just wanted to feel connected, enjoying the end of the weekend to chill together. But I kept distant and disconnected and responded as if he had hurt me or something and as if I didn’t want him to be with me. I knew he was just trying to make me feel better somehow and I felt horrible because of my behavior. That’s not how I want to be and I bet it makes other people feel powerless and I know that if it happens too often it can make people go away. Not because they want to but because my behavior leaves them no choice. I see that now but in the moment it is really difficult to snap out of it and change my behavior.
My fp stayed but did something for himself and I stayed curled up on the couch feeling depressed and trying not to split on something he said. Then I went to the bathroom, took a hot shower to at least feel some comfort and I hoped that the water would wash this horrible mood away. So I sat in the shower, fighting those fucking demons in my head. Sometimes I felt so alone, so disconnected that it felt like my fp wasn’t even in my home. As if he wasn’t there but I knew he was so it was a really strange feeling. And I felt ashamed because of my behavior and that I had hurt myself and that I said I would take care of myself when my fp was gone but ended up starved myself most of the time anyway. I don’t deal with feeling ashamed so well. Then I started to feel something, it was some excitement in my stomach. Didn’t know what it was.
After a while I felt a bit better and my fp asked me to come sit with him. So I sat on his lap and I don’t know when it started but I was feeling really dissociated. Percieving the world as if I was high on something. I was laughing and also spacing a lot, spacing out too. It was super weird. Physically I just noticed my heart was racing and I was really thirsty at some point. The rest I don’t really remember.
So that was interesting.. today I felt slightly better. We did eat breakfast, went outside and I did some grocery shopping and now I only have to make sure I eat enough today. When my fp and I went our separate ways today I didn’t dare to look over my shoulder it was too painfull and it was very difficult for me to stay in contact. Eventually I just ended up telling him that it was difficult for me to connect but that I still love him anyway. That sort of made me melt a bit and now I do feel slightly better. I’m a bit in a little girl mindset now and I normally love to be like that with my fp, my Daddy, this way it’s easier for me to make the connection. And I’m thinking, why now? Why did I have to be so difficult and fucked up when he was with me. Eugh.. At least I’m not feeling depressed at the moment.
Now I do recognize the intense mood swings that just take over me. The dissociation in all it’s varieties.. in combination with identity disturbance that can make me switch between almost like different indentities.. while actually those are all parts of me that are just scattered. The fear of rejection and abandonment which actually make me afraid to get attached in the first place. The urges to split, on myself and others.. it can make me snap into a rage that just takes me over, luckely rarely. And then there’s the impulsive self harming behavior, that creates chaos in order not to feel, to forget, to distract myself. There is also that ‘I need you don’t dare ever leave me’ feeling.. that makes me clingy and then distant, and back again. Most of the time I feel hollow inside, disconnected from everyone, empty and lost. When I’m under a lot of stress the voices are getting worse and I can start to feel paranoia, like everyone is just out to get me. That people hate me, that they are dangerous and have bad intension. This can also make me distance myself from people who were my friends. It’s a really interesting combination with post traumatic stress. Then I just don’t know what is real anymore.