The risk

Just woke up minutes ago with a message from a porn producer asking me if he can give my number to Jason Steel because he would like to make movies with me in Germany. Summer is catching up with me.

My mind is full of confusion now because there is this part of me activated like.. oh there really are people out there who actually do like my video’s! Because I’ve had so many people (especially from the kink scene) giving me their (unasked for) opinion, telling me they don’t recognize me in the movies and just summing up everything they don’t like about the video’s and how I am in the video’s and that they turned it off at some point.

Can anyone even try to image what such words feel like to hear? Being aware of my mental struggles and realise there is no point in telling me this. I’m already in pain anyway.

It makes me remember the times my first boyfriend summed up everything he didn’t like about me, telling me everything that is ugly about me.. in his opinion but if you hear it often enough you start to believe it is the truth. Besides I was still a kid.

So when I’m asked to make porn video’s again by a big producer my emotionally abused side is like: is this validation?

Euhm, probably not. Just an industry wanting to make money through me. Giving me a few bucks and I’m scattered all over the internet again.

This all doesn’t mean that I will never do porn again. Definitely not right now and it’s probably better if I produce my own porn video’s with friends some day if I’m still into it. Filming my own kinks in a more creative set up. So I can feel like it’s more of a way for me to express sexuality as well as creativity and feel that what I make is real. Which means that I have to be in touch with myself in the first place. A few years ago I did almost sign up to be a model for Kink.com and the producers of Insex.com but they have different sites now I believe.. it’s all in America too so that made it difficult for me to actually go through with it. Anyway, those produce porn that is more my style so if I look at my own porn video’s I just know that it’s so far from what I wanted when I started modeling. The reason why I still work with RopeMarks is that first of all, we are good friends and trust each other, we have a good connection for a longer period of time.. what I mean is.. we have been friends during the different phases I’ve been through mentally and that is really important to me, especially when creating such intimate content. It shows me that he sees me and not just how I am during one of my phases. Like some people who think they know me but are actually fucking clueless. Also, the shoots we did come closest to the type of content I want to make. It’s still not exactly my style but we work together so it’s always a bit of both our styles and the style of the photographer.

Something I’m breeding on for a few days now is that RopeMarks has asked me to do some behind the scenes work for him. That could be interesting because I need some more to do and it’s nice to be able to do some work in the kink scene in a way that is more safe for me.

About the porn video’s. When I woke up and recieved this message I got kicked off track and into confusion. The destroyer in me is the urge to go for it but I’ve got to remember that such an event can spark a new hypomanic phase. Which can damage my relationship, my chance to work at the store again, my contacts with friends, the therapy I plan to start with.. and mostly my mental health in general. The more hypomanic phases I go through, the more easily one is sparked and it could eventually lead to full blown mania which would be a nightmare.

So yeah, this blog post is just a way to explore what happens inside when I get confronted with my past activities in the porn business. It triggers negative feelings, confuses me and opens doors to destructive paths which make me forget the downside of last summer. It can make me relapse and that is also why I don’t want to do extreme kinky stuff now although people keep asking me. You are not doing me a favor.. you ask me to do this because you want something from me. I’m not going to take the risk because I can go full self destruction mode from that event on and lose everything.

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