Back and forth

Last night I was writing a list of all the crazy things I did or delusions I’ve had because of borderline impulsivity or during hypomanic phases. It was supposed to be funny but at some point it became uncomfortable and confrontational. Especially when I was reading it out loud to my fp. We decided that it was better not to share the list on my blog. The list wasn’t even finished yet, I had not included last summer. Actually it only included a few years before last summer. Not the years when I was a teenager. The confrontation was.. not seeing these phases and the behavior that came with them as separate but actually putting them in perspective and seeing the episodes as part of something bigger. When this realisation came to me, reading out loud became more difficult. A lot of sensations and feelings went through me. I felt a bit shaky and awkward, maybe even ashamed. But writing the list had made me quite jumpy and in a way energetic, it was difficult to sit still because I felt some restlessness. I felt happy though. We watched Homeland together and I bet a lot went through me but I focused on the tv show.

After watching tv a thought came to me. If I did do all these crazy things, then why do my parents still deny that I have a mental disorder? Followed by: why don’t I almost never see my parents and feel like they aren’t there for me? Why does my father live on the other side of the world? Which kicked me straight from happy, restless, energetic to low mood, lifeless depression. I literally threw myself on my couch and curled up in the corner with my sadness.

My fp said, do you see what just happened? You went from super happy to down in a second. Which caused me to switch back from low mood to laughing so hard!

Then the realisation hit me, again confirming borderline moodswings and my behavior being controlled by my moods. I don’t have a mood, I am a mood. That is the way I experience my feelings. It’s so intense, it’s everything. There is nothing else but the mood I am in. Anyway, these confronting realisations kind of kicked me into my own world. On one hand being more in touch with reality through becoming aware while on the other hand fighting reality with feelings of dissociation. Becoming aware of the fact that I always felt in doubt about my diagnosis and felt unreal, which simply is a coping mechanism, being blind to yourself because you’re not accepting what you don’t want to deal with.

After the second realisation my feelings and the mindsets that come with them went completely crazy. I haven’t had so many moodswings in a row in such a short time since.. a year or years ago. I’ve been dissociating on and off, been in contact with my fp and then feeling no connection at all. I’ve been afraid of him and also I’ve been completely head over heals, horny as fuck, I want to melt into you and back to disconneting the next second. I’ve been in age regression, mentally and then all of a sudden feeling like the grown up woman I actually am, sane and standing in power and not percieving my fp as my Daddy and then switching back again. Also I’ve had moments of experiencing a panic attack and also being triggered and becoming angry and almost agressive because I was reliving a traumatic experience and splitted on my fp, percieving him as dangerous as if he was attacking me while he didn’t. He hugged me and brought me back to reality which caused my mood to switch again.

Later I still felt like I was in a state of dreaming and also like I had been on a trip around the world. Feeling depleated. I think we’ve experienced 5 or 6 different modes in which my personality broke into pieces all during one hour. Continuesly switching back and forth.

This morning I woke up feeling better.

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