Today is a special day for my Daddy (fp), so we are spending it together. Last night at 00:00 I gave him my present to celebrate. Got copies made of my apartment keys, with a key charm attached to it that says: ‘Super Daddy’! ❤ For such a hermit as I am, with trust and commitment issues that says a lot.
Yesterday was a special day for me because I had an appointment at the bio food store where I used to work, before I went hypomanic for some time. They said that in my last months they didn’t feel a connection with me anymore and that I became hard to read. However they also remembered me as being happy and energetic at work and part of the team. My boss also said that my colleagues were worried about me leaving all of a sudden and that some customers had asked about me and left question post-its on the sugestion board asking where I was. This was really strange for me to hear because I am really insecure and always felt overly self aware of any little mistake I made or could make, coming from a fear of failure and a fear of rejection. Also I often feel like people don’t like me or when people look in my direction in a neutral way I can percieve it as being looked at in a hostile way. Also, I often feel like an outsider and not part of the team, although I try hard to be accepted as a team player.
All my favorite colleagues were at work on monday, giving me hugs and high-fives after the meeting, when I told them I was coming back to work. I’ll start again withing 3 weeks. My boss is going to be on holiday first so I will start that day after I sign the papers, my job coach will be there again too and she will keep coaching me like she did before the summer. She’s there for me because I have mental challenges that make it difficult for me to work sometimes. For example during my high of last summer and during the downfall in autumn.
We also spoke about signs, I told them how my friends deal with my psychological challenges. How they can check if I still put things in perspective and what sings are that I’m living in my own world, out of touch with myself, other people and reality. It was difficult to be so open but on the other hand I think it’s good in my situation. One of my favorite colleagues will be my coach on the work floor. Yay! She lives in a Dutch almshouse, with courtyard and all. I want that too when I’m older 🙂
It’s interesting that the way I try to deal with my episodes and the symptoms that make work difficult for me have more similarities with symptoms of bipolar disorder type II. Although being hypomanic can also occur in borderline personality disorder. Someone who has bipolar II wrote: “I love being hypomanic because I feel as though I’m on top of the world and can and will do anything I want, but I hate it because I feel so disconnected from everyone else.”
Which I can obviously relate too. I’m not a psychologist but this is interesting and I realised that I’ve had therapy and medication for my personality disorder and that I still had hypomanic phases after the psychotherapy and while being on medication for my personality disorder. Anyway, I’ve asked if I can be put on a work routine, which means that I’ll work on a bit of the same days and same shifts if that’s possible. About 12 hours a week, divided over 3 working days. Because I think that a daily and weekly routine is important to avoid getting hypomanic again. That’s also why I think that the sex work doesn’t do me any good mentally because you have zero routine. It’s all last moment and there isn’t any structure in it at all. Perfect for when you’re (hypo)manic though.. Who needs routine? I’m all over the place anyway! Fuck routine, I’m doing great bitches! Get off my back! 😛
What I’ll try to do is prepare myself for getting back to work in the next three weeks and figure out what will be a good daily routine for me. When to wake up, when will I go to bed and do my best to get a bit of structure in my meals too. Things that might be simple for other people, they might not even think about their routine but for me it’s super important. If I stop keeping at the new routine, that could also be a sign that I’m heading off into space again.
Luckely I really like doing things at home, doing chores, making my home all nice and cozy. Replacing and reparing things that used to bother me for a long time. Making sure I keep working on the basic needs. Without my summer obsession I have enough time for all this. I even have hobbies now, like taking care of my plants. It’s insane 😛
Yesterday I got a few ‘dead’ orchids from my sister, actually they are having a period of inactivity and I’ve brought them home, cut away all the dead or unhealthy parts and put them back in pots. Now I’ll just wait to see if they will bloom again 🙂 So they are reborn and I’m curious to see what kind of colours they will have! Perhaps I can get some better pots for orchids, with holes in it so the roots can breathe and don’t start to rot from too much moisture. Also a few weeks ago I cut of a basil leaf from a weak supermarket plant that I couldn’t safe anymore, put it in water and today I saw that it is growing little roots. Yay!
I could write so much more but I didn’t find the peace and time to write for a few days so now it’s a bit much. Writing is like meds to me so perhaps waiting to long isn’t such a good idea. Also, I need to keep writing so I can see patterns, learn what triggers hypomania and what signals are there. It helps my fp to understand whats going on inside me too because I don’t always know how to explain my inner world in conversation. It’s also super important to write so I can look back and learn from my past experiences. The only problem can be that I might delete my blog when I’m hypomanic again.. let’s not do that. It would be a really clear sign though..
Found this video that explains having mood swings that are seen in bipolar disorders and borderline personality disorder. It made me feel really little and happy and understood and just.. yay :3
Think I’ll leave it at this for now 🙂 Xx