There is a constantly repeating matter in my life. Which has to do with interpersonal relationships in the past and now mainly with acquaintances.
There are things that I used to know better or have become more complicated for me due to my frequent dissapearances. Things such as knowing when to speak, when to mainly observe and stay silent. As a kid I’ve learned that what people say not always conforms with their actions. People conceal a lot. In our family we used to praise ourselves for being able to speak about anything. On one hand that may be true but on the other hand, actions say otherwise. When I pick up emotions from others that don’t match their words it becomes complicated. So I concealed, kept silent and observed to find out why people covered up their inner world. Some close people in my life didn’t appreciate the fact that I was silent. Then I was pushed to speak up and had to talk when I did not feel safe to speak my mind, because often I felt that my words and opinion didn’t matter or were ridiculed by others. Leaving me with a feeling of social awkwardness and low self-esteem. There came a time when I had to speak up, to a therapist and I learned to talk about difficult things, without feeling any connection with the subject, my life, whatsoever.
Because my opinion and will didn’t seem to be important at all I stopped forming one about basic things. Like, what do you want to eat for dinner. Such things aren’t important enough to risk critisism and ridicul, besides I’ve noticed that others often decided for the both of us eventually after all. Especially about the little things and I noticed how some people enjoy to take the lead, so who am I to deny them the little things that make them feel good. There are by far much more important situations to form an opinion about and I’ve noticed that often I’m more interested in the opinion of others than of my own, although I do form an opinion that isn’t rigid, simply because an opinion says a lot about the person who forms it. That is what I am interested about. Is the opinion rigid or is it flexible? Does one choose sides? What does this opinion say about you?
When it comes to my own opinion I talk to others, listen, observe and form my own by using what is best for me and putting the rest on the shelve. When I’m not mentally emigrated I know best when to wait silently and when to execute a plan. This silence has often been percieved as indifferent or a lack of intelligence. Which, yet again.. when I’m in touch with myself, is one of my guilty pleasures. Before the summer explosion I never cared about pursuing a carreer in anything. Which to certain people in my life confirmed the idea of my indifference. While actually I think the most powerfull thing to do to stay in touch with reality is to be aware of our own insignificance. To avoid getting ahead of yourself. I’m so aware of it, which is funny because I am the Queen of losing myself. The summer being yet another great example. Though the more people know you, the more demanding life is… the more difficult it becomes to distance yourself and become the silent observer.
One cannot rule a country without being present. I’ve learned that now. If I don’t have the leading role in my own movie, then who has? The people who also get ahead of themselves? The ones that want to rule over others to feel good about themselves? Ones without respect nor dignity? Who will protect me if I don’t stand my ground?
I’m among the lucky ones with loyal and respectful friends. Who stay by my side when I’m off somewhere, taking a mental holiday. When I’m off I either try to take all control without clear observation or am off letting the wolves in and devour my flock of sheep. Disrespecting my borders, the flock and the shepherd. Those are the times when I have to remember, to regroup and know when to speak and act but more importantly when to wait and do nothing.
Keeping my hands on the wheel is difficult though when dealing with intense mood swings and emotions. Which are two separate feelings that often occur in me at the same time. Also when not taking decisions, when it comes to the little things it becomes easier to lose sense of myself all together. Who is the person with no will of her own? Choice creates identity. The will is a muscle, if you don’t use it, it will weaken. If I let others decide too much they will invade my country, step by step. With or without the best intensions to help out or not. I always wonder why people help out anyway.