Been asked to come back to Paris. A few times already actually. However I’d love to go back, I’m still processing last summer and everything that happened. I’m trying to figure out what was real and what was in my head. Sometimes I try to find out when something had changed in me. But it could’ve happened at any given moment and it’s been more like being gone often with breaks of reality just becoming less and shorter until it eventually became one big summer space.
I really loved my time with Q. and I do want to see him again. No doubt about that. Just wondering how it will go, with the triggers and the sensitivity I feel now, instead of last summer. How will it be now, to travel. I used to be so sensitive that I could feel different energy in different places, cities and villages even in the Netherlands. Like when you go to a new place.. just have to adjust all the time.
Will I be able to stay myself? Or will it spark some old hypomanic feelings in my enthusiasm. And if that happens, will I be able to come back to myself?
And will people still like me the way that I am now? I’m not even sure how I’ll be now doing the things I did last summer.
I will probably feel really uncomfortable with myself. Not knowing how to be. Studying behavior of people to see what to do. Because I never experience myself as being part of the group. Unless I’m mentally gone and made up some unreal world in my mind. Where I don’t feel anything.
How could I ever have thought I’d make a carreer in the sex industry? If I feel like such an outsider now. Just want to live a life that’s mine but if I keep losing myself then I don’t know if I will ever get somewhere. If the challenge is to have a sense of who I am and staying connected. That already takes everything I have and robs me of my dreams. Wether they are mania fueled or not.
There are so many things that make me dissociate, sometimes it surprises me and I don’t know what caused it. Often the intense ways I dissociate in which I go numb and feel unable to move.. well if I’m in that I often get help to come back or I wait until I’m out of it again. It’s not that difficult to miss.. I know that now. I’m used to people just not noticing or not caring though. But the times that I try to ignore a trigger myself and just not let it show.. Those are more dangerous because it becomes difficult to come back to reality. Maybe because I can still move and do things so there is no need to be pulled out of it in order to move. But if that happens more often then I’m lost and just fucked.
Tomorrow RopeMarks and I are going to Belgium to do a photoshoot with KinkyStyle.
I’m curious about how it will go. Feel a bit out of practice and with the different mindset.. just hope everything will be alright. I trust RopeMarks but can I do it?
Music: Laat me – Ramses Shaffy
❤ ❤ ❤
Yesterday I found some pictures from last summer of me and Daddy ♡ he’s my fp and my bf too Xx ❤
Looove you!!! ❤