Don’t know where my body is but I’m not in it

Today has been a challenge so far. I’m dissociating my fucking brains out. This morning I went to Ikea with a helpfull friend to get my new tv cabinet after dumping the old one. Which went well. Although my home is a mess of course because all the stuff that used to be in the old cabinet are now in my living room and my tv is on my desk.. I don’t deal with such things so well. I like peace in my home. Not sure if I can put the new cabinet together by myself so I will have to stay in this room the way it is now.

The plan was to do like chores and stuff today. But I was having coffee with my friend after going to Ikea and got triggered during our conversation. Which is super difficult because my mind goes blank a lot and I can’t remember where I was going with what I was saying. It’s difficult to talk anyway when you are mentally emigrating. Hope it didn’t show too much although I instantly feel awkward and out of place and all my nervous ticks start to show. Yay… Just keep trying not to let it show 😀

Anyway, I wanted to clear the mess in my home this afternoon but then my friend from the birdshelter texted me, asking me when I would come over. Because I was dissociating I immediately grabbed my coat and jumped on my bike. It was as if I was at the birdshelter in a few minutes. When I was there I didn’t say hi to anyone except my friend. Just got some tea and played with the cat. A woman and a girl there triggered me like the working girl from yesterday. Also I feel like people hate me. That my friend doesn’t like me because I said I’d come back to work with the birds again but haven’t started yet. But I also feel like if I would start working there I’d only be a disapointment. So before I even spoke with anyone, I already feel like they hate me when I think they were just neutral. With my friend I walked around to see the birds and the changes at the shelter and then I left.

Then I thought about a store I wanted to go to because I wanted to get another salt lamp for my living room, like the one I have in the bedroom. Anyway.. I cycled to the store in the cold and the rain, still dissociating. Which feels like being stoned but without the fun aspects of it. Just that the world is really slow or you feel like you are really slow and then all of a sudden things that seemed really far are really close. Eugh! Anyway, I did find the store and bought not only one lamp… no I bought two. Because… because.. I didn’t wanted to choose between two lamps? I won’t have to sit in the dark anymore.. I remember someone who used to be my friend. She once bought three christmas trees when she was dissociating her brains out. So she had three trees in her living room. Great.. Anyway, two lamps is not that bad.

The ride back was fun too, still feeling stoned. The rain stained my glasses and now I had to heavy salt lamps on the front of my bike. My earphones kept falling out again and I almost didn’t see anything because my hoodie is too big. So I was cycling really slow to not get in some accident or something. The dissociation was fucking hell! I felt like there was a car riding behind me that wanted to pass but couldn’t but there was no car behind me. Also I almost cycled on a road for cars. Luckely it didn’t took that long before I saw that it wasn’t so I had to go back.

When I got home I wanted to take the lamps of my bike before I’d put it in the rack. But the man from the store had given me paper bags.. with salt stone lamps in it? When it rains? Who fucking does such a stupid thing? But I was still spacing so I got on of the bags and of course the stone lamp fell through the back. Haven’t checked really good yet but I didn’t see some really big damage to the lamp. Of course I cursed from pure frustration and then screamed when some other really annoying thing happened with my bike that I don’t know how to explain in English and also I feel the freaking fucking irritation so much already that I don’t even fucking care to explain it. Eugh!

I feel so much irritation, frustration and anger lately and I don’t know where it is coming from. Any little thing can trigger me and make me so upset I just want to throw things and feel so much agression, towards things. Sometimes I want to cut myself too out of pure frustration but I haven’t done it.

Now I’m alone in my messy home, still dissociating and I don’t even know why. The annoying thing about spacing my brains out like this, is also that I don’t feel my body and feel numb but at the same time I feel EVERYTHING! Every little fucking annoying thing. For example, I feel cold, my clothes are annoying me and I’m tired and.. have I mentioned I’m cold from this horrible wet weather? Blehhh! So it’s a sensation overload while feeling unreal and your brain is working against you like.. fuck it.. do it yourself, I’m done for today.. bye.. But somehow I’m writing this, however I feel like I don’t have any control and I feel like I’m not here.

Why is this so damn hard to explain?!

Music: Barton – Lisa Hannigan

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