Caveday

Today my irritation level is rising like the fires of hell! Everyone else is an asshole mood. Went to the gym with my fp after 15 minutes of running I was so annoyed I just had to stop before I would end up in a rage and embarres myself in front of everybody. The thing was… my ear phones kept falling out and then later the only radiostation that worked was on a commercial break for at least 7 minutes and then after that there was a news break.. about nothing. Some kids went to school all year in shorts to win a price. Who the fuck gives a shit. In my mind I was already punching my fist into walls and peoples faces and I was so fucking frustrated I threw with my earphones.

So I told my fp that I had to go away and that I saw him later so he could go on with his work out.

Today people text me all of a sudden. Normally I’m depressed and do nothing all day and get almost no messages and frankly I’m super okay with that. And now the whole fucking world contacts me and I’m like AAAAAaaaaaaaaahhhH!! Leave me the fuck alone. It’s like everyone demands something from me and it makes me want to rip my fucking skin off. I was already scratching my arms in the gym from pure frustration. And people say.. “but I don’t see the rage in you”.. No I keep it hidden you dumb ass. But I always stomp on empty egg boxes and stuff. Today I felt like grabbing my stanley and agressively cut up a chicken breast when I was putting the groceries in the freezer. But I didn’t want my fp to see me so violent because that’s how I cut myself up in a blind rage and yet again the shame would be too great. So I didn’t. I tried to cut myself a few days ago but not being able to break through that barrier of instinctive self protection made me feel even more worthless, powerless and upset with myself.

People around me responde worried sometimes and want to help me. No, you feel negative feelings and powerlessness. So you want to do something about that. That’s not wanting to help me, that is wanting to help yourself. Don’t make your problem my problem. Don’t make me feel the pressure of having to do anything. If I let you help me, I feel like I’m helping you.. not me. What I need right now is to fucking cave and face the world again when I am ready and ask for help when I need it.

Also I got asked to work again but the pressure is too much. Going outside is already a fucking challenge. Not hurting myself is a fucking challenge. I was outside today and I could hardly stand being around people. Just people acting normal feels like they are all screaming at me, like sirens. Pointing at me, blaming me and making me feel worthless. That’s the challenge. If I go back to work now, the only way for me to cope would be to shut down completely, disconnect, obsess about something, have no shame nor limits and go full self destruction mode. Do we want that? (Voice in my head: YEAHS!!) .. better not.

So for now I’m having a caveday. Bye

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