My body is falling apart.. actually for a while now. It’s so unfair. The last few months I’ve given everything I had and more. To give others pleasure, to show myself, to let people touch me, use me for their enjoyment. Now that I finally felt a bit of connection to enjoy it myself it’s taken from me. My body is turning against me now. I stopped doing all the sex work, I stopped feeling like sex is work.. for the first time of my life. After a few weeks my body started to hurt and I’ve been off to the doctors. It makes me feel like everyone can enjoy my sexuality except me. And life is like… here this is what sex is supposed to feel like.. you feel it now? Okay good. Time to take it all away again!! Like I’m being punished for last summer. It’s so damn frustrating. Since the funeral I haven’t been able to connect with my fp like before the weekend. I want to feel connected so bad! It’s so unfair. And people keep trying to plan exciting, sexual things for me, because they think I will enjoy it. No.. you will. Don’t you see that you’re just rubbing it in my face and you’re scaring me. The only thing that’s going to happen is that I will split on you like crazy. At this point, even wanting to help me can make me split on you like hell. I just want to be able, for once, to feel a connection with one person. Just only my fp.. if feeling a connection is so hard, then just one person is enough for me. Just please let me feel one connection. But you take it all back. If I wasn’t so emotionally locked up inside, I would be throwing stuff to pieces right now. It would’ve been easier not knowing what feeling a connection felt like, or what having sex while connected feels like. What you don’t know you cannot miss.
I’d just be off again. Feeling some sense of patched up happiness, that at least I would believe in. Feeling in control, powerfull and free. Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken? I would just go on wandering like I always did. No roots. No love. Feeling no connection or hardly any connection with anyone. There was no pain. No shame. I was fearless. No stupid triggers and re-living bullshit. Used to believe I was independent. Used to say I never wanted love, since I was 15. Coming up with excuses to get out of relationships. Ending up physically abusing one of my exes when I was drunk. And I was drunk a lot. I hate myself.
When I fell in love, which in my opinion is a fucking psychosis, not speaking of actually loving someone from the core of your soul.. I would just fucking push them away. Clinging at them while pushing them away with my crazy behavior. Drinking, fucking, smoking, cutting, screaming, laughing, crying, clinging, pushing, flirting, fighting, fucking, drinking, smoking.. cutting. I hate you, don’t you dare ever leave me! ‘Cause I’ll die if you do.
Maybe I was so upset because love would weaken me. I pushed because they made me weak. It was their fault. They made me so fucking fragile. I didn’t want to be fragile. My world started to revolve around them. They were my sun. A life in which you depend on someone else emotionally.. that is no life. That is a fucking train wreck existence. I need you and I hate you because I need you. I felt like they were stealing me away. While actually I was the one giving myself away. Obsessions form easily in me you know, I crave extremes. Dark and light. But I guess they did too otherwise they wouldn’t have decided to be with me. Constant high and low. I miss it sometimes. I’ve mellowed out. They just wanted to be the one to save me.. You know, that’s a hella egocentric reason to wanna be with someone. I want to be the fucking hero. Blabalabla.
At some point I think they started to notice that although I pushed them away at times, they were the sun in my existence and just tried to find out how far I would go. Now that is a dangerous game. A game both sides can lose themselves in entirely, while blaming each other for their own behavior. Fun times, really. Like I said, no love. Just keep believing you are the one saving me. Keep accusing me of being in victim mode, while you keep testing how far you can go. Demanding more, controling more, fighting more. I will do the same to you and more 🙂 Because I’m a giver baby. Until your friends are like, coming in between us.
Haha, that were great times. Or the time when I was drunk and standing up to your crazy ex who kept annoying us at the bar and her new friend knocked me off my feet and you just kept sipping your drink haha. Oh well, I had my revenge on her later anyway.. I didn’t even had to deal with that guy of her anymore after that because one day when we left the bar the police was waiting for him.
Am I in a memory wave or something? What’s more to come?
Since then I often get agressive when I drink too much and start to punch people in the face. Never been able to get that out of my system.
When I remember all this, I don’t feel sad. Not at all, at times I want to go back.
This writing has again been from start to bullshit and again I’m tired of myself, so bye