Just got home from a funeral. A really close friend of my mom and of our family died. It was so beautiful and everyone was incredibly strong. Though it was also very confrontational which is what I will write about. Since this is my virtual diary by now.
First difficult thing was actually seeing everyone again. I have written a lot about the family I grew up in but not yet about the bigger picture. Also I have written about what the devorce between my parents did to our family but not what happened around us. To understand the dynamics better, without going in too much detail I will explain the situation a little bit better.
Many years ago, there was a group of friends and deeply connected families. The core were actually two families. My sisters mom and her husband and his brother and his wife. And later on their 4 kids. They were the core group but there were a lot of families also super close and part of this network of friends. Like my mom and dad. Also my moms best friend and her husband. Who I also saw again today. They always took care of us when me and my twinsister were little. Like our second set of parents and their two kids were like another sister and a brother to us. These friends and families all know each other for almost their whole lives. Anyway, my uncles brother died suddenly and we went to his funeral today. He is the first one from this group of friends who passed away. It was very intense but at the same time really down to earth.
The group used to go on holidays together, motorcycle trips and what not. Especially when we were really young. We had our own field on a camping that we would go to year after year. We saw each other on all the birthday parties and on holidays. It was so picture perfect. I loved being with my aunt and uncle. These were the best years of my life, it was just amazing.
But then I turned 11 and my parents devorced. My parents were the only couple who devorced and everyone was deeply shocked. The other couples are still together. It was a horrible breakup because so many things happened and I’m sure I don’t even know half of it. My mom and dad had severe mental breakdowns and tried to cope in their own way. They still haven’t healed from it. During times like this it really shows how broken my mom is. My dad felt like the whole group turned against him when they devorced but I actually think they didn’t want to choose a side. Actually I think he was splitting on them like how my borderline mind used to do that too. He burned all the bridges and I bet at times in some very hurtful and horrible ways.
During and after the devorce we all fell apart and the whole group of friends did too. Whenever we would come together for birthdays and events it would be extremely confrontational for everyone. I noticed that people in this group almost were afraid to ask how we were doing. Because they knew we were in pain and if we would open up about that, they would be confronted with their own pain. So that made coming together super awkward. So I’ve never had a fun, normal birthday since the devorce of my parents. You know with family that comes together, all happy and celebrating. After 1 or 2 years I didn’t want to celebrate my birthday anymore. We started to see this part of our family less and less. Actually.. both sides of the family. Like we were on some island. It wasn’t like.. oh I feel so horrible about my parents being mean to each other.. I’m glad that I have an aunt or uncle to go too, with who I can talk about the struggles. I bet that if I went to them they would actually try their best to be there. They are really lovely and caring people. I have no negative word against any of them. But things just weren’t like that. Besides, I was so depressed I didn’t reach out to anyone at that point and no one really reached out to me either.
So seeing everyone again is confrontational. Because I remember how close everyone was with us and then that was just gone. Although the core group remained close. This we saw in everything during the funeral. Which is great and so beautiful. But I was just seeing all that and thought.. they are so incredibly close with each other, why not us? Not with jealous feelings but still.. why couldn’t that be us?
My sister and her boyfriend and I were sitting on a couch where there was so much room left but it was just us three. Like the odd ones out. My mom and my stepdad were sitting on reserved places, so I felt like we couldn’t really be there for her during some time. Which sucked. Sometimes it feels like we are the black sheep or something. Everyone is super sweet to us, that’s not it. Eugh, it’s so difficult to describe. Though, everyone seems to be projecting their own trauma on us. Especially our own parents. If we speak up to one of our parents they say, did you speak to your mom? Did you speak to your dad? Like, they hear each others voice in what we say. Like we cannot have an oppinion that comes from ourselves. When we speak up, they feel judged, they feel guilt, they project trauma. They see each other in us.
What also was controntating me was that the oldest son was giving a speech and he said that when he was born, his dad and him started a path together and now they had reached a two split end. And I felt like I had already come to that point with my dad when I was still a kid. The fucked up thing is, he’s not dead but he still isn’t there. So I can’t let him go. Don’t think I want my dad to pass away, that’s absolutely not what I am saying. I also thought, what would I say now? If my dad would get an accident or something. Thank you for the beautiful moments we had during the short time that we were actually together? My sister and her boyfriend say that my dad now is a lot calmer and that having contact with him is easier now etc. That he has mellowed out. And I’m like.. yeah well, it’s not like he’s here anyway. So what’s the difference. When I see him I project my trauma on him just as well. I can’t feel a connection with almost anyone and I certainly don’t feel a connection with my dad. That’s all blocked of course. I don’t even feel like I have a dad. I know he is but I just don’t feel it. He hasn’t been there for me through any of my struggles since the devorce. Didn’t matter if I let him in or not. If I did try again and let him in he hurt me so bad that I’d regret it deeply afterwards. My dad lives on the other side of the world and I see him a few times a year. On one hand I can be upset about him not being here but I know that if I do see him that it’s all painfull and difficult. So it’s easier if I don’t see him, when he’s not in the Netherlands. When I rebelled I’ve done so many extreme and dangerous things, just wishing that some day he would come and ‘save’ me. What I mean is, be present, do what a parent should do.. But he would always say, well I didn’t know. And then I thought, well you should’ve known.. or my mom.. well I didn’t know. No, you didn’t that’s the whole fucking point. Now I’m old enough so I should do the right thing. I’ve been raising myself since I was 11 or 12… and at times my parents too. While emotionally I’m still a kid. Yay..
During the speech and afterwards I sometimes cried.. which means I fought the urge to cry but a few tears escaped. But I was thinking about my fp and how he was holding me and that made me miss him a lot but also I felt like he was there with me for a moment. So I actually felt an emotional connection with him while he wasn’t present. Which is really good because that’s difficult for me.
Okay I think that was enough venting for now..