During a conversation yesterday I was asked something about last summer and then a mood or emotion came over me so I turned silent and before I could registrate what went through me it was already pushed away. Although I was encouraged to let my feelings come over me. I didn’t feel like I could sit there and dissociate either so I guess that I’ve forced myself to stay in control.
Last night my fp came over. He and I had a fun time laughing, joking around and ended up in some playfull wrestling. It was all fun like it usually is and then he did something that triggered me slightly but it was still alright. Then shortly after that there was another thing, that was meant to be playfull but is a trigger for me that I never really talk about and it punched me straight into a dissociation. And not like, I was a little bit off track. It was like, gone in 0.1 second. Poof. Was just lying there, dead inside like a ragg doll spacing my brains out. I think that if he didn’t bring me back I could have stayed like that for a long time.
Then there was this really peacefull moment when my fp was holding me like a little baby girl. I laid with my head against his chest and it felt so peacefull. He rocked me and cuddled me and I felt so loved. We were talking and in something I said came the conclusion again that I see parts of me as separate. Like I often write about in my blogs as well. My fp was talking to me about those parts being all me. That recovery is about accepting all parts as one. That finally clicked a bit in my mind and that just made me slowly fall into my own world again. But he was still holding me and I felt safe with him. It’s difficult for me to describe what I felt. And I think that, being stuck in this believe that there are seperate parts of me, it will be difficult to integrate them. Because there are so many painfull feelings that I have to acknowledge in order to unite them and also, so many things that happened that I would have to accept and heal from.
Before we fell asleep he also said something to me. That I thought he was kidding about. That he was making some joke because I couldn’t believe him. And it doesn’t even matter what he said exactly or what it is about. But there was a time with my ex when I was experimenting with trying to like, take care of a broken part of me. He didn’t understand and that wouldn’t even have been a problem.. but he ended up screaming at me, like I had done something horrible, like I don’t know just something extremely wrong. It made me feel really upset and I ended up going outside, crying for hours on an empty playground and later even making a new cut after years because I felt so incredibly hurt and misunderstood. Then I even stopped experimenting to not make my ex feel upset about it again. But I remember something was broken from that point on and he didn’t even realised it. And now I was cuddling with my fp and he just asked me if I wanted to try that thing that I experimented with once and I was like, yeah right? Are you making a fool of me or something? But he was serious about and I was like… are you for real? Am I dreaming? It’s not about actually experimenting with it again was something I thought about lately, never did after that fight with my ex actually.. and it’s not even about that but I’m just so amazed by the connection my fp and I have. It keeps amazing me and I’m just falling deeper in love with him every day. ❤
Follow, follow, follow.. follow.. in dreaming..
My body is empty, touching the ceiling..
There are a lot of moments when I kind of slip into my own world for a bit, it happens everyday but maybe that’s just a part of me now that I’m getting used to it. I’m not afraid of it anymore.
It helped to go running, so we did go to the gym again last evening. So I ran two times this week 🙂 Yay.